LIvin' For God.

2005-08-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

hi. this blog is officially closed.

for all people who have linked my new blog.

this is a warning.

i have not linked you and you have not informed me about linking you.

if i have told you my blog adress. that is all fine and dandy. if u haven't been informed. please do not add me.

please.

do not link my blog at your blog if you do not have my permission.

i am asking nicely. thanks.

this is regarding the nw blog adress.

as for the old blog address. you can delete it.so sorry pple. this blog will not be functioning as from today. thank you for all your support. if u want to be thanked.

well. thats it. nada.

byee! *rolls eyes*

making things clear.

2005-07-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

to all whom it may concern,

due to the circumstances that had led to such rumors and untruths spreading around. i have decided to write this post and possibly close down this blog and start afresh without dumbarses around.

well, as most involved may noe, a whole flurry of incidents have happened since last week. dramatically involved, i should sae that however and whoever is involved, this COULD be a biased source from my point of view. if there is interest to find out more, please do approach the rest of the invovled. they will tell their side of the story and give a clearer view on this whole situation.

apparently, leading to a meeting of the new executive band committee on friday , i have been informed without cause or reason that my supposed mentees think i am biased and are afriad of such. and thus, do not want to be errr. plaed along.

furious at such an accusation, (like no one wun leh. so cb.) i proceeded to make a phone call to the accuser. without a doubt, it seems true and dumb me, apparently tot it was an isolated case and decided to give in for sake of greater good.

apparently. this is not the case. i should have realised that backstabbing was all this was about. msn messages that rang of "the 3 of us" and the "majority" should have alarmed me that most of them noe about it. and dumb me. tot i could leave it as that. i was wrong.

i din get the full story.

apparently. this bunch of mentees. decided that striking fast and decisively would be the best wae to errr. "Win". while i was still trying to make promises of silence. i realised this person had already hit the usual suspects. going back to the institution on monday, i found out not only did the entire cohort of sec 3s noe about it, i found out that non-organisational participants have also been detailed with a biased story. i realised that one way or another, have gotten the story.

anyone realised smth similar?

well. getting on. a facade has been in place. and it seemed as though nothing has taken place. but. it has. and things have changed. i will not face down to that. i will not.

but contrary to wad others may think. i will not sae anything. i will let the future decide. ur fate. since u saed that "my committee will be able to achieve" "i haf a v. cooperative committee" i leave that to u guys.

but words of advice.

1] the organisation is not yours. never has been. stop using "my" and "i" cos band is a collective. YOU are nothing without it. noe that. live that.
2] false fronts will fall easily. if u cant hold on to wad u have wif a true face, faking will do nth.
3] lol. backstabber talking about others? be careful if pple call u guys kettles man
4] do u really think pple will be convinced with fake stories?
5] no accusation should be made without evidences.
6] music, is wad counts. music, is wad inspires pple to stay on
7] politics will ruin you as much as it will ruin others
8] the more friends and allies u eliminate, will only cause u ruin.
9] when u do things like that, majority may stand. but how mani are trustful?
10] dun act leader. leaders dun act.

and my defense.

i have never ever taught a single specific person much or more than others. i have never shown biasness to anyone before. if u still dunno, regardless friends or not, i will still stand impartial. u of all pple, should noe that.

wad kindof bias are u talking abt.
i tot ur section. i gave u advice. i gave u so mani opportunites. so mani chances. dun sae i din. i can list the mout he if u wan.
and btw. u failed them all. so dun talk about bias here.

i tot ur peers. i gave conducting tips. i may suck at it. but head knowledge can be applied. not like i din teach the brasses. not like i din help with embouchures. not like i din contribute to my section. if i wa bias, i would be stuck at other sections. wouldn't i?

when i scold. i scold all. even if ur fault or ur peer may be more. i shielded u guys so mani times from the consequences. from the failures. so is that bias? yes. for all of u

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and dis.
being thrown out of the organisation
being labelled biased and prejudiced
having to deal wif fucking stories u invented

is wad i get. is wad u guys have err. "aprriciate all ur efforts. as a friend and senior" lol.
fuck ard. and write in ur blogs. all those things abt others. when u cant think wad u have done wrong.

maybe i cant see that too. someone enlighten how i have been BIASED?
personally, i cant think of any event, reason where i haf been biased.

no. i do not have a secret crush or infatuation. she's a gd fren. nth more. nth less. so we are closer than perhaps to u the mentee or the oother one. why. thas normal isn't it? everyone has good friends. i dun see u giggling ard with pple u dun like rite? is that OMG. bias?

and my attack.

i think u and u are biased. attacking pple w/o rhyme or reason. is that rite? somemore we all are friends. close friends if i haf a sae. but apparently. i have been too trusting. jnr-snr. i think too much. been blinded by the light i guess.
fucking backstabbers and accusers i take forfriends.
wad a fool i am.

i think saeing about other pple's area of responsiblity is being irresponsible. WHEN U URSELF have problems wif ur own area of reponsibitly. tell me. didu teach ur jnrs well? if u din. den dun criticse! do u see me criticsing ursections? cos i dun think i have taught them enuff yet. and i am still trying to. lol. and the common perception is that my jnr is one of the better ones in band. thats hard work and dedication isn't it?

u sae that contributions are not representative of opinion.
its not.
precisely.
how can u sae a leader is not a leader. though the results or contribution maybe little?

stop contradicting urselves. this is so. becuse wad u sae is so fake. when u fake. u leave loopholes. when u fake ur opinion, u give out small hints.

start telling de truth for once. stop hiding behind locked doors. and bootlicking. it digusts pple.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

once again.
the ex-drum major
or rather.
the disgraced drum major.
july 2005.

2005-07-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

jus for power. some pple can do anything.
some pple can betray their own friends.

maybe dey dun find it betrayal.
lets call it talking behind their backs

and its not like they can see that
they think they are doing rite.

thats misunderstanding
but they refuse to see

refuse to watch
refuse to admit but deny

tears roll down.
sobs and sniffles

but who should care
who should empathise

when all that remains
is wad may decay

the story that lay within.

2005-07-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

din meet her todae aft cross country cos of ystd nite.
din think i should trouble her over such matters.
like i alwaes did in de past.

i dunno. but now i seem more and more afriad of revealing my true emotions to pple. each time, its juz that facade of lameness and crappiness and irritatation when needed. thats all. no more do i wanna brood over stuff or try to mak myself clear.

and im nt sure if who i am, is who i am already. and i am distraught by all that.

but.

over ystd. i realise im still myself. i could familarise myslef wif that outburst of emotions that i felt. over the smses and stuff. i could feel almost that limit of mental pain.

things like. "why couldn't u see that not knowing , or being ignorant, is YOUR FAULT and not mine? is that a weightage of opinion in my favor? " but no. all that seems to everyone is that its my fault. my own stinted eye that made the differences wide.

past titles and histories that made an impact over my structuring, has led to another point of view? im astounded at that. and when i heard that. i believed that my world crumbled. and once again. faults that seem obvi0us to the pple ard me, has turned obolivious. but my faults intently staring at me.

i gave up.

why? for me it was obvious who was in the wrong.

and i honestly tot being ignorant and assuming, is a form of B******* as much as i have been saed to be.

but i figured. if the numbers were in wad it was to be. it was going to be a long thing.

and i no longer wanna hang on to that.

since i cannot be trusted. den do not.

- 8/7/05-
leaving the place i hold dear to my heart.
betrayed. denied. misunderstood. defeated.

2005-07-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

officially released from my band duties...
and thrown out of the band.

dun think im nt happy.
i can finally go study u noe.

i juz wan be myself again. and stop that facade of crap.
i wan protect the pple i care for and things.
the section i belong to.
the 2nd home for 4yrs.

and thats biasedness.
thats all i stand for.

for all i've done.
for all i am accused to be am.

i give up.
now when all responsibility have been lifted.
i can finally give up.
but can i let it go?
maybe when i can. i will.

i juz dw the things and pple i care for to be hurt.
and thats the promise i hope YOU guys the majority can stand up to.

leader i am not and never will be.
i care for onli passion and interest.
for things i should care and protect.

leaders i think am not.
for all that runs is the interest in wad u deal with
and that i not trust.
and that i not adhere.

be the leader that u are.
for to lead is not to follow.
but to hurt, is not worthy of one.

i hold that threat dear to my heart.
as the promise, to hold true.

good luck.

2005-06-30T05:14:00.000-07:00

how do you redefine something which hasn't been defined?

well... been a very stressed up week.
dun wanna tal kabout it. had alot ofaholes for teachers. oh well. but who cares.

hmms. well. i alwaes had this nagging feeling that i haven't been trying my best to be a good friend. and somehow, it seems to show to the people around me, in waes probably, subconsciously i guess.

i was in class on of these daes and somehow i was wif a group of friends la. den we were talking about some stuff and someone mentioned how i weird i was...

like.. a close friend, but also distant. someone u noe and can crap to, but not someone u can trut wif ur lfie kinda feeling. and i wonder why. i have no qualms doing the extremes for a friend or going the extra kilometre if needed. i juz wonder why they have such qualms that i have not..

and releflecting back on all that, i guess i could answer why. i haven't been spending much time wif my class people. but i /they been acting like we've been close friends all our sec sch life. when, i dun haf that quantity of time to speak of.

and going further, i realise thats also wif band pple and so on and forth. like, im no longer a part of the group wif the guys and i can sense that. no nid to read my blog and tell mi i ain't. i can feel it la. eg: we go lan shop im wif jy walking one side and u guys are on ur own crapping ard like we're not there. no sense of awkardness. well. maybe i've been reading too much into this. but oh well.

im talking about my sec 3 jnrs. well uhh. mostly girls. well. i HOPE i have been of some fun and laughter as well as companionship. and matt. lol. matt is nice nd everything. and i hope we still are as close as we were in sec 2. and can share all troubles and dreams and aspirations as be4. well. i dunno. maybe im expectnig too much but oh well. ..

so im not sure. everytime i go recess i face this delimma whether to go recess wif my class pple (clem, jerlim, zenn, jkoh, psq, mayb vic those guys la.. or wad) and feel out of place wif pple like lik choon and stuff, or be wif teh girls at the next table and also feel uncomfortable esp as i happen to be the only guy , or wif matt ard, theonli sec 4 at the table.

ahh. i dunno wad to do. lol.

2005-06-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

haiS. school start again le.

hmms. absurdly boring school is. aRgh. dozed off at least 6 times todae.

hx is gone from me. ahh. so sad. don is irritating my ass off. lol. and i dun haf a cover for hx's sleepiness already. arRgh.

sianed. might appeal to ms yew to change mi awae. lol. no offence tho. juz errms. like peace and quiet.

went for badn after school. hmms. jnrs.. nid alot of work la..

hais.

rowena. talks too much and cant read.
shumin. eager and tries hard. but abit wrong wae.
elena. best of them. but somehow abit playing prob though and confidence prob.
syafiqa. talks lot. but nids to focus and concentrate.
hunagmeng. nvr come so long. obvious.

hmms. lol. see how la. baisheng cn do it de~ fiona also. jiayou u 2! good luck.. and have fun!

lol.

im pro!
got people sae im pro k. im so happie.
haha.

nvr sae pro wad. lol.

"eu pro mehh? pro pillow bahhs... "

da[0]kia. the pro pillow!

2005-06-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

ah. been pretty busy the past weeks.

finally free for a breather from the heavy forbidding hand of design and technology classes....

8-5.. dae to dae. i could really die from it.

ah well.

sunday went for wcg dota comp. well err. as expected lost. thanks to lack of teawork. 2/5 of our team din even tran wif us , was thir even hope for a truimph? yea, maybe a miracle.

oh wells. missed py prac. heard the rest missed it too. lol. why so nice everytime i dun go they also dun go de. is it really coincidental or wad? haha. heard there's a new guy joining us. hmms.

ah well. mondae went for band awhile. ms chong asked me again. i really want to. now. BUT. my Os are so near. and i dun wanna jeapordise it leh.. hais. torntortorn. cant let myself and others down.

wans to upgrade the jnrs le. hmms i tot it was rushed. but still. ms chogn takes the descision. n me. but i will try to blk the use of the basses first. nth against them. but really its too far out la. asking them to use those beasts so earli in deir career. wld ruin them more than saving them...

heard some stuff going on.. aiyah. dunno la. dun wanna involve myself too much also. trombone is my main goal now.. as is studies. so ya.. lol.

hmms. work hard and acheive my dreams. i can do it! lols.

hmms- my descision. is to let go i guess. but i'll leave it on hold for now. i dun think u can handle it either. neither can i. a future, goneliddat. who can bear to? haiS.

2005-06-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

u noe band.
i noe band.

i noe band is having some kinda.... transitional period.
but it seems bad to me now. it should seem bad to others.

but no longer can i care for them and the band as much as i should already.
im semi-retired.
i have my own burdens to carry.
my own baggage to take on.

the slow inexorable spin of doom looms ahead.
i wonder. i wonder
when will it all begin to turn from its tide
overcome the barrier of prejudice
flood the rivers of eagerness.

haiS.

todae was a whirlwind ride of emotions. again.
its also the first time i lost control of my emotions
i teared. while forstner biting the workpiece.
i tot about the times we spend together.
the familar faces i met while i was wif ehr.
how we struggled to avoid all familar contact
so that we could be together w.o interruption.

the things we've done and went thru together
our firsts.
our 2nds.
the roads we've walked.
the nites we haf spent.
taking the bus all de wae down juz to see u for a fleeting moment.
going to ur hse before the dawn of dawn, to walk wif u.
being late for band, for appointments.
juz cos of. You.

the worst fite we had.
the promise we made. (but not really kept)
the crying sessions.
the arguements
the pinching.
the gogogaga.
lol.

so many things that i can never finish listing done. insignificant or significantly insignificant.
too much that i cant count.
first time i met u.
2nd time.
gu ji-jay chou.
concert.
bad impressions.

well. i missed my workpiece. the forstner bit holes were wrong. i drilled 30mm holes for a 20mm coin. when the moment when my mind drifted off.. the moment i teared, noeing that it was.. a setback i could not face.. myhan slipped off the dril machine. my workpiece flew. hitting my hand. mr lee was pretty shocked and he asked whether if i was okae. and pple ard me concerned.

how could i tell them anything. its nothing. but a fairytale story.

that i and you. cooked up.
oh leave me alone.

and again. after all the laming to avoid my memories.
i lost it again at the bbt shop again i think.
jas was saeing smth abt parents and eating bats to cure asthma or smth..

"u nvr drank be4 bat tonic rite? i tell u la. its v. nice. they mixed it with their dropping also. its very nutritious and healthy... "

"huh."

"believe me la... pple use to cure asthma de... u mean u doubt my parents remedy? =("

only rmbed jas asking me if i was okae. wonder wad did i do.

haiS.
i miss u too much. lea.
and i fear the future.
i fear wad it holds for us.

2005-06-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

wad i alwaes feared. have juz become a reality. and i really hate for that to happen.
i know life may turn out sour/bitter in the end. and we juz have to bear wif it.
but why like this? why muz i be this wae?
i dun noe and im not sure.

it has come to me that it is difficult, if not trying , to hold on to smth when u feel that there isn't a hope or future to it.
some pple sae i should not be pessimistic. but theres noth to be happy about.
its confirm and definite.
i dun think anyone can understand my feelins now.
its in a wae, too deep for anyone to understand...
since this type of story..
really is. a damn hell fairytale.

that turned out bad.

haiS. i dunnoe if i can still go on wif my life.
i have dis urge to disappear and hide myself awae from civilisation.
or stow awae in a place to switzerland.
hoping to find my place.
but i noe i cant.
iand i noe. that i also, cannot bear to give up.

wad will ever change?
i dunno.
and i dun really care now.
one of the few people i really cared for.
has to leave.

arRgh.
i dunnoe
i dunnoe
i dunnoe.
dun ask me.
i realli dunnoe wad to sae or do.

i noe my mind is confused.
still have u in my heart.
but noeing its impossible to go on.
ARGH.
why muz drama only happen to me.

can i have a simple life.
where its a story of a perfect ending.
. . . . [depresse]d d[a]0kia.

2005-05-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

im worried for them.
quite obviously.
as some haf already found out.

something told me it wa a wrong decision.
but i knew they had to face it themselves.
well. thats them.

i hope the pple thinks the worst of me.
pls take it that i am a failure.
that i am.
for i acheived nothing. conquered nothing.

the blame lies not on them. yet.
it is my folly. in neglect.
in mistrust.
in not discerning.
in short sightedness.
i wished i could haf done different.
ah. but it is no longer possible.

my consciencse. however, is clear as alwaes.
and i will not fail to sae
that we would not have failed.
if we were family.
but we wouldn;t/

2005-05-31T09:18:00.000-07:00

past few daes hav been really hectic and somewhat traumatising. dealing wif life and death is something i have tot i haf suffiecent control over, emotionally speaking of cos. when emotions and feelings run wild. not the wildest of horses can pull them back. my grandma. i remember her as a kind woman. alwaes bubby and lively. never was once i went to my grandma's house in the past where i would not smile at her countenance. someone i respect deeply, its hard to let go.

never easy. i could see, hear, feel and experience. my uncles and aunties beared the brunt of the emotional downpour. after the short months of exhaustation as the last stages of illness worsened her condition inexorably.

taoist funerals. buddhist funeral. smoking monk? ah well. work is work i guess. never had a liking towards such. my sis had a tougher time i think. i could accomodate. my sister wouldn't. and i both applaud and admire her for her tenacity. to stand up to those eyes of disdain. i would escape whenever and whereever possible. excuse being O levels. lol.

went tpjc concert. pretty fun. lol. some of them can sing pretty well. some were downrite err. lol. oh wells.

went star wars. story pretty draggy. but nice nonetheless. pris was bored i think. lol. its a guy's show i tot i appreciated. lol.

ah well. Os. im screwed. wrote a seriously out of point essay. wrote the harder letter for wadever reason i do not noe.. screwed up paper 2 wif witty answers that proved my downfall. ah well. im tired. and irritated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
prayer.
to the Lord God almighty.
for whom i loved and respected
ah ma. i miss you.
wished i could have spent more time wif you.

2005-05-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

a rant of feelings.
one of anger, of depressed state of mind
for myself, forothers to come
the reason is the wellbeing of all that comes
in reach of wad i hold dear to

i cannot see it being ruined in the hands of others
i will not bear to see it torn apart by factions
judge not, pretense not.
all fades when anger comes to surface.
why adhere?
i never noe why

and i probably won't
"do unto others what others do unto u"
= nerd's line.

shalt i not.
desist i saed.
fought for, this cause
never redeemed in the eyes of the leadership
denied, acceptance from those i once called friends.
led, astray from the burdens i carry
once, i sought, now i avoid.

is this wad its all crcked up to be?
all i did. and we did.
unsung heroes, i dare not call myself.
tribute to who and wad but the most important.
when to be saed, how much have been done.
and how miuch have been lost.
i shudder to count

and once again, this all begins
a cycle of the past is once repeated
where the gossips, the anger, the chaos starts to boil over
one could almost feel the deja vu behind it.

and whyt not?
its not any different.
now or then.
it is but the gender's that are different.
i could hav told myself that one was able
comrade in arms denied me to whom i could placed.
neither, that we hav chosen, could be assured of wad we wanted
and i could not choose eitehr
for fear of ruining it, with my decesions
i could seek the opinions of those supposed wise
or those mature in tot but not in age
wisdom, wad led, could not follow.

it came out different.
and i could not choose.
neither could the comrade with me.
neither could the masters and misstresses above us.
spoiled for choice, we decided upon another.
one who as unassuming as possible.
one willing to be trained.
willing to work hard
willing to provide that option that the rest could not.
could this be?

we could only... stand by side, and watch the battle ensue.
watch the turmoil rule.
unless, they stand together, unitied to a single cause.
putting ifferences aside and operate as one
denoucing all inmaturity and childishness

could that be?
is that our new hope?
our menace defeated?
the revenge and strike never to arise?
yoda could predict wad was to come.
i could do the same.
but i would prefer to mold my own future.
and wad would it hold? i would never know till that time comes.
give me strength my lord.
give my the clear mind to provide the best descisions to those that matter
and to the master i have, provide wif the best clearest tot that i have to her.
for al that may ensue. tis will come to pass.

- life's parodies.

2005-05-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

well umm.
im gonna rant so pls close the page if u dun like it.
oh im so sorry pple.
if i offended anyone here.
pls relaxs and let me rant on.
after all.
this IS my blog.
lalala~

so anw.
here weee goo!

BAND STUFF

well so anw. im sick and tired of seeing pple see scores and they lag out. wad do i mean? simple. read scores and act pro like nth is wrong.

bth man.

pls. its an effing rhythm to it. be it rock ard the darn clock.. gay elton john or abba gold cos they are old.

hellooos.....

band pple. if u cant read notes, rests, count time signatures, read flat/sharps. pls. go brush up on them!

worst off. high note shrieking. omgomgogmg. it sounds horrible. doesn't any1 realise that? i mean, even if u dun. im sure u would hve heard pple telling that. pls u cant play the damn clar or flute if u are shrieking high notes like no one's business. might as well play the tuba.

im not implying that im good or anything. to be perfectly honest, i noe how i effing sound on the trombone. and its not really niceto begin with. esp. with the high notes. i cant confirm whether is it the bone's sound or is it my embouchure. yammies tend to be shriller in notes and i cant control that. im working towards it though.

wad im saeing is that we should all be improving and not deproving. eff. stop damn hell calling urself a gold band if u cant eff read the score.

2] wad type of atitude is it to be pointing fingers at others? already thats bad. at a senior somemore. during band pracs. im effed up tired of it. wad the f did he do wrong man. even if he doesn't f care, i care.

3] complaining will get u nowhere. of cos, im not saeing again, that i dun complain. but there's a time and place for it. when u can do smth, u shoudn't be complaining. that only demoralises morale. and demoralises urself. wad is the use for that?

the usefullness is in getting urstress off and getting it off ur chest. making others awareness. sometimes its useful. sometimes its eff not. and this is the situation where it is not damnit. why would complaining against a senior help? esp. whn u have no redeeming quality urself? making sweeping statements like "but i jnr she snr" wun make a diff damnit. its juz insulting one's character. wads de use in that?

4] ogmogmgomgmo. band pple do not noe how to prac??!?!?! its really useless trying to play "better" by running thru the pieces over and over again to urself. its obvious thats wad we do. how can u juz be playing over and over again, expecting some miracle to happen? bloody pls look at the score while u are practicing. at least noe where u need to improve. there is alwaes smth to imrpove even in the simplest of simplistic scores.

can get the notes rite?
- do dynamics

can get that rite?
- improve sound quality

can get that rite?
- look into chordal structure, intonation perfection

can get that rite?
- watch for harmony and chords placing. some chords require a certain sharp/flat to be in tune.

can get that rite?
- teach the rest the same thing over.

see? thats so much to do. and utter damnation. wrong notes for overplayed pieces. meaning the supposed simple stuff is still at only lvl 1 of your playing standards. and how does that help? are u going to play like that all your band life? why not improve the overplayed and make it better?

5] okae. im abit irritated at how my jnrs are being picked upon. not that im being overprotective. but really. 2 trombonists againsts 5 trpts. lol. they re damn hell sec 2 for goodness sake. thats 1 yr of playing behind them and they can match 70% of the trpt volume. i'd sae thats commendable.

dun get me wrong. they are playing wrongly and theres a need to point that out to them . but if its anyone to get the hammmer, shoudn't it be the more senior? i dun believe it. working out the same bars for both sections and only one gets pinpointed. i mean, u can obviously hear the stuff not being played correctly for both sides la. its not a one-sided thigny..

so why the critics? why not on perhaps more experienced band players who played it more than 10 times? i din see the reasoning. im sorry.

6] efffing hell. "band sian. its only okae when i have XX snr and XX jnr to crap ard wif" wth. so bth already la. not even supposed to talk and somemore cannot plae. wanna act pro critique others.

my drift is, pls dun complain if u are not contributing u sucker. i have a rite mind to slap u rite here rite now. but im so not going to soil my hands.

mid yr esults.. abit. . l.o.l

2005-05-20T06:02:00.000-07:00

well anw.

here's my mid yr results...

english-A11111111!!!!!
26/30( composition)
24/30 ( letter writing... or is it the other wae ard?)
37/50 (comprehension)

total : 87/110 = 79.1

Geog/comb humans.

17/25 (section A)
12/25 (section B)

total: 29/50

ss/comb humans.

13/25 (section A)
12/25 (section B)

total: 25/50
comb. total: 54/100 (i think? im really bad wif numbers. lol.)

lit- lol. din study

17/25
13/25

total: 30/50(or 29. im realli nt sure. lol)

mt-

overall total: 49.25. thnx to mrs mah kwee hua. who also threatened me wif death if i dun pass my chi O. its NOW 50.0.!!!!

comb sci- lazy to count liao. fail lyk crazy

juz rmb that my chem did alot of wrose that my physics. which was a disaster la. i studied for chem but did better for phy??!?!! suckky. total crap shit. ah well.
lol. daryl got even worse marks for chem than miee.!!!! haha. for the genuine authenthic scream, pls go tag at daryl's board for the answer...

emath- do i realli need to saY?
F9 la.. no nid to count.

dT- wah surprised

den agn i din study. over confident liaos.

46% i think. im nt sure. dun relli wanna look at those shit agn. haha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lol.
4E- contrevesials of the decade, in dunman.

surprised every piece of shit and got a effing high msg for english.
- rumored to be 3. smth.

errm. stunned students, failed to move teachers to hear tt we got the lowest msg in math i think. in fact, we think he ponned our lesson todae. which another teacher saes he was hiding in the HOD room. lol.
- rumored to be 8.7 or smth.

errrm. comb sci. apparently the wrst grade of the classest in sec 4. msg of 7? nt sure. lol.
welll. sukky la. F my chem paper u idiots!

lol. comb humanities!!! we supposed improved after a stalemate of 8mths. our mg for the first time is as gd as 4C, better than 4D or F. lol. surprise surprise!! haha.
heard its 5. smth. lol. doesn't sound realli nice isn't it. haha.

mid yr esults.. abit. . l.o.l

2005-05-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

2005-05-19T06:08:00.000-07:00

lol.

mrs mah kee hua!!!
stop chasing me la. lol.
will study de la.
TRY la.
chinese i noe i weak also..
haha.
will work hard kae.
no need to call me or lol.
find me eating in the school canteen.
sry. its TRY TO WORK HARD!

wah. dunnoe wth is the prob wif me msn.
it saes itself that there is no problems or anything error.
BUT. it cannot sign in!?!?!
wtf.
juz when we decided to use msn.
lol.
ah well. this sux.
using some web-based msn messenger now
seriously sucky.
total waste fo tiem. but better than nth.

dead meat.

2005-05-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

i made a very serious mistake
.
.
.
.
.
.
instead of staying on
.
.
.
.
.
i went L.A.N shop wif the guys
.
.
.
.
.
.
now the calls and sms remain unanswered
.
.
.
.
.
.
im soo dead.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
im dead meat.
.
.
.
.
.
forgive me will ya
.
.
.
.
..
haixz.

2005-05-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

lol. exams finish or finishing le. tmr last paper. hmms. arRgh.

to sum this whole fiasco into one word; sucks.

subjects i studied, they come out either too easy or too difficult.
subjects i din study, they come out things i dunnoe abt.

arRgh.
i realli dun wanna fail more than 2 subs leh.
i realli nt confident le. chiong abit of work, but i nt confident
i guess its the repeated fails i get in tests and stuff.
really disheartening. is this the wae im going to go for Os?
haiS.
i hope not.

eng v. dangerous, perhaps this is the few times im afraid of failing english.
so stupid la. answer my style, IS CORRECT. the dumb part of me told me wad im deducing is too chim. make it literal. and i did. arRgh. now im a goner.

math. its obvious isn't it?

chi. okae la. but i might fail also. lol.

sci. arRgh. screwed this one up. chem dun understand wad they asking for teh first page. left exam hall to realise it was so easy. think i mixed up the QA. physics.. missed the calculations, theory okae. excet for the principle of conservation of energy thingy..

lit. i wrote too much. and too much gibberish. too little facts. i wonder if ms tang would be hoodwinked. i doubt so.

dT. arRgh. i noe the answer!!! but it doesn't hit my head. was suffering for 2 1/2 hrs la. i know the answr but i cant rmb it! arRgh. should haf studied la. bla.

ss/geog. i studied. then again. its subjective. who noes if i would do well anot.

al in all. im in danger of failing 3 or more subs. thats dangerous. its mid yr liao la. if i do badly again. im so gonna chiong all dae and nyte liao.

my dream is still sajc la of course. but its soo faaar!!!! and unreachable.

reasons are pretty obvious isn't it? lol. aiyah. nvm if cannot la. go mjc or cjc also nt bad. but then again. with such abysmal esults, how am i going to enteR? arRgh. ite also cannot make it la. blah.

m1[s]s e D y]0[u |so| m u c h.

2005-05-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

i KNOW its the mid-yrs.
i KNOW that i should be working hard
i KNOW i shouldn't be thinking abt such stuffs.
i KNOW i should be revising now.
i KNOW i should do all these stuff.
i KNOW i should glorify God.

but im not doing all that.
argh. is it cos of you?
i dunnoe.
i tot i could restrain myself from that.
i tot i could.
but thoughts stray.
and its tempting.
to switch on the computer.
to switch on lancraft and play warcraft!!!

lol.
blah.
of cos. i dun deny in class im thinking of u.
if not, im talking to the guys about dota. about naruto.
life's more interesting than the dull dreary pull of academics.
alternate reality.
arRgh.

im distracted.
pray that the lord will provide.
calm me and focus.

and abt that.

christianity?

2005-05-04T05:46:00.000-07:00

juz realised that alot of pple ard me are christians.
but somehow, they strike me that its not really correct to be one.
wad has singing planetshakers or hillsongs got to do with christianity?
wad has, praying in front of pple all mean?
appopriating time for cell groups in school.
i dunnoe. but God tells me that its not wad it seems to be.
for myself, the counterarguement against myself is that such, is a praise for God.
to be able to shout out his name and glorify.
BUT. i dun think God saed anything abou openly flaunting your relationship with God.
about using it as a medium for worldly ideals.
what does it mean when u perform coporate prayer, full of toungues and trembling.
does it mean that u are one wif God?
that u belong to a part of the church?

toungues is a manifestation of the holy spirit.
it is not a medium for prayer. or worship.
yes, the holy spirit guides your action during worship and prayer to do juz that.
but its not something to be abused.
every prayer, u happen to be trembling and speaking in tougues whether u feel it or not.
is that rite? seems to me to be no different from the shaman or taoist priest in the temple during ritual u noe.

singing worship songs.
is not designated to be a part of a musical diet.
yes, of course u can sing those songs.
i dun deny that i dun.
but using it as a form of medium to flaunt your vocals?
or your talent in music?
as a form of propogranda for perhaps... a church musical?
or a notion to degrade and insult other people?
not directly of course, but personally, isn't telling another that he/she should go to church because u can sing there/ train your vocals.. wrong?
worship is not = singing.
singing is only a part of that. and misleading the faith. is another.

"i dun go to churches that sing slow songs"
"i dun like long bible sermons"
"i go church cos of friends"
"church is too far"
====> i dun buy that. wad makes a difference amongst that but the love of God?
seek ye first, and the faith that shall leadeth thee into thy green pastures.

i do not mean to defame or degrade anyone. i juz hope that yes, people will wakeup from that folly and change for the better. for God. im sorry too, for my own actions. in God i trust. in God i find peace. in God's name. i will try.

and abt that.

2005-05-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

come bloggie. let me tell u this two stories den u tell me hard to sovle anot.

story 1.

oince upon a time there was a boi and a ger. they liked each other alot. but hor. the guy realli nt sure of wad he wants. the ger remembers her past. the guy is nt confident of making the girl forget the past and live in the future. the ger wants him to be more confident of himself, but she doesn't realli noe wad to sae or do. they are v. happy together. but they are slightly puzzled at some thigns cos some things are pretty strange.

question: WTH is the problem?

~~~~

story 2.

it was time for a grand council meeting. from an enitire grp of pple they chose a list. this list contained names of people whom they liked, or felt was best. it was for setting up a dream factory. the dream factory produced dreams of all sorts for people. in the final 2 top positions for the dream factory, the council chose 2 different peeople with 2 different personalities. one was strong-willed, determined,narrow minded, weak on the inside and not true to herself. the other was dependent on friends, not so committed but, creative true to herself, innovative, but lacked drive. generally, one was the perfect epitomy of management and the other was the opitome of dreams.

qns: so to run a dream factory, do u need a dream-mastermind or a dream manager?

~~~~~~~~~
story 3.

b and a are a couple. b is a boi. a is a girl, this is a straight love relationship, no other factors involved. b likes another girl but dun wanna break up wf A. a is loyal to b, though many guys wanna court her cos she is pretty. a thinks that b will never wanna break up with her. b thinks that not breaking up but having another girl is the best possible solution.

qns: how right is B? do u think he will not haf stress? explain ur answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

2005-04-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

once a upon a time, there was a suave, handsome and debonaire boy named ben. he was very interested in this girl, sarah, whom he met in a church that his gd friend, john brought him to. john was average in looks and he was in taf club. no one really noticed him other than to make fun of him.

john encouraged ben to woo sarah. ben was shy, so john helped pull htem both together. as tiem went by, they were very close to each other. and finally, ben, through john's encouragement and support, managed to gather the courage to pop the question.

ben: hey sarah. you know, you are so beautiful.
sarah: (shy smile) really? who knows what you are talking about, u flatterer!
ben: iii-mm not flattering you. u really are beautiful!
sarah: (silence)
ben: can you be with me forever? i mean..
sarah: .. what?
ben: iI--i i want you to be with me! i know from the moment that i met you, that you probably are the one. would you.. be mine?
sarah: ... i like u too ben. though i didnt really expect you to say this.. i would not be yours(ben head droops).. but we will belong to each other..
ben: sarah.. (sentnence is cut off as the lips envelops the words in mid-sentence)

john watches from afar. nodding to himself and giving ben a smile. he did not feel that way though, he felt that gnawing in his gut, that unbeknowst pain and he knew, that it was jealousy.

john: why am i feeling like this? i am not interested in sarah.. im.. i will pray for forgiveness...

~~~~
3 months later...
ben and sarah are at a movie theater deciding wad to watch...

ben: yawns lazily* sarah.. u are such a bother...i dun see why u cant accomodate to me to watch that movie...

sarah: but i hate that. and u know that...

ben: look. i dun care wa u think. im not watching a sick lovey dovey korean love drama! such fairytales dun happen!

sarah: but thats not wad u said a few months ago! u saed u love to watch korean love stories and u sang that love song to me... " i promise to be the angel to guard you.."

ben: i.. times change sarah. i said that to humor you and besides, its jus so old fashioned. urgh. u are boring sarah.

sarah: *cries and runs off
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ben and john talk...

john: i heard u and sarah quarrelled again. why?

ben: dun u bother. its our problem anyway.

john: but problems wun be solved unless u-

ben: oh jus shut up! sarah is nothing but problems. she can go jump down and die! its not like i care!

john: *outraged and shocked, steps forward to punch ben in the face* you jerk! how can u sae that about sarah? wad makes u think that u are worth her? it was a wrong choice..

ben: john.. i know u like her. i know that u are alwaes there for both her and me. i know u are torn betweeen being mybest friend and being with her. i dun want to make things difficult. go to her and show her your love. im sure she will be with you john.

john: u are incorrigible. wad makes u think love will dispel so easily? wad makes u think that... she will love someone like me? *face flushed crimson red*

john stomps off while ben lays there pondering to himself.. "john.. please forgive me.. its for sarah's good and for you my friend"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2mths later...
sarah and john are happily together and spend alot of time together. john is ready and conident to ask the same question ben asked 1/2 yr ago...

mother: sarah! theres a letter for you, its addressed to you from austrailia..

sarah: opens letter* omg! its from ben.. i dun want to open it.

john: wad harm can it do? its better to read it, evil as it maybe, than to not read it and let ben get the last laugh...

sarah: opens letter* tears drip and stains the letter..

john: wads wrong?

sarah: you read it... *tears flow uncontrollably as sarah breaks down and sobs...

"to sarah and ben, i congratualate the both of you. i heard that you both are together now. im really happy that u are together. i've seen the eyes which john has whenever u are around. i realised that john loves u morethan probably i can ever do. john is a man full of the grace of god and he will stop at nothing to make sure u are find sarah...

when u receive this letter, im probably entering the operation theatre already. i haven't told you guys yet but i am suffering from a rare disease, its called syntaypnsiphylis. its a virus which attacks the nose blood vessels and clots up the brain vessels, causing haerrmorage.

but it doesn't matter. doctors say its a 20% chance that i'll live anyway. so i dun wanna give u guys hope that i'll be around. do pray that God will pardon me of my sins and sned me to heaven when i can meet u guys when u are old. i wish the best for u guy forever and ever.

regards,
ben "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
epilogue:
ben and sarah are both together albeit not very happy together. they still remember ben and it comes between them as though they are just normal friends. but they are closer than most, both because of ben and of ben's last wish.

as they strolled along plaza singapura. they see a strangely familar face. a strangely familar, but unrecognisable face. sarah takes a step forward. her eyes focusing.. realisation hit her. it was ben. she runs towards him, hand breaking off from john's.

"are u ben? " - she stared intently at the familar countenence

john turns his back on the 2. he walks briskly in the opposite direction. his movement rigid and forceful. but, his eyes are red and brimming with tears. h wanted to burst out, but he couldn't.

WHY?
~~~~~
end~

2005-04-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

band

hmms. officially, i am still the dm of the band. unofficially, im out of it already.

haha. actually, we have one last or 2 to do be4 the end of our career eh?

well. frankly. im abit.. hot again. haha. cos of all the really bad atitudes and things they are saein.

but im not going to take any active roles la.

dun need to care so much le la.

ok. one other thing is that. GOSSIPS to ur fren or smth. alwaes is known.

only spread gossips. if u wanna to make them known. saeing "eh. dun tell others ar" nvr works.

oh well. wadeva.

its their own loss anyway.

when. will they ever mature?

seriously considering an alternative la.

haiS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
pls ignore the earlier post.
it was a serious mistake..
to leave my blogger signed in.
blahs.
=X

something tells me that its not a gd idea...
oh wells.
~~~~~~
yea. me too.
glad that u are glad eh.

d0[t]A freaks.
blahs.
haha

2005-04-22T04:06:00.000-07:00

hey hey hey hey~
wo shi ke xiao ben dan!
=)

juz in case no one noticed yet, this is NOT the FRIENGLY DM UPDATING THE FRIENDLY Dm's JOURNAL!!!!

heez...
anyway, juz wanted to sae to eeu that. . .

toDae 22

IshH April

OuuRr when

sPecial daE WorZ!!! we

actually

met! **noRt reAlly iMporTant larzz.. lol. bUt mus fiNd soMething to saE ma... =X !!!

heEz. duNnoE eEu sTill rMb aNot laHz. hAha. wElL. wE dO haF alOt tO tHanK foR lEh....
i wUn sAe sO muCh aRrz. bUt u NoE waD toO dO lE hoRx? =D

hoRHoRRrr...
heEz. hAaZ. mm...
soRri foR thE paSt fEw daEs hOr.
i noE i veRy bitchy aRhz.
uR foT ma..
NvR hOng mI arRzz...

oakeokae. errmms. signing off!
miee. cutecue, kindkind. nicenice.
de opposite ya? =0

"juz another example of lameness... yea?" ---> iM noRtt lamEe!!

2005-04-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

arRgh.
again.
blahs. dunno la.

todae sports dae.
din go. wmahaha!
anw. sms sae wanna go out de. but then reply v. lag.
den decided to meet jkoh lor.
wentta see music bks.
shop ard and stuff.
abit sian. but ya.
haha. guys ma.

got reply. sae okae.
but i already promise pple le ma.
den break meh.
even if he okae i also feel guilty.
bu shi first come first serve lor.
den angry.
wah lao. pek chek.
dunnoe wadda to do..
den abit argue or wad.
pengs la.
den go meet.
send bro off first.
wahs pengs.
end up i apologising.
haiS
dunnoe la.
females~

abit pek chek over tings.
abit pek chek over james.
abit angry over me.
abit fustrated over stuff.
haiS.
stress la.
relaz and enoy life lor.
easier said than done.

duno la.
sang that ou de yang song.
haa. rehearse so many times in sch le.
haha. but din work out so well.
haha.
okae. im lame.
and i dunnoe wads a bei ban qiu?
ah heck.

nice can le.
tong hua also.
haha.
end up discussing.
like. fairytales.
but mine is not a fairytale.
somepple think its more a nightmare la.
but she thinks its a fairytale. so i think its a fairytale too.
its wad pple think that matters yea?

haha. okaeokaeokae.
im crazy.
will strive to work harder in sch and not think so much liaos.

ahaha.
thank God for what i have and wad i am.
thank God for everything beautiful and nice. not only wad the eys can see, but thru all thigns...
thakn God. for making me, wad i am.
flaws and all.

2005-04-19T03:36:00.000-07:00

aiyo. will refrain from posting anymore explicit pics liao.
post wad pple ask wad.
so errhurhur.

anw. hmms. tot i could illicit some thingies from pple.
apparently not. juz gif me the same old comments.
wadss de diff?
might as well make my own assumptions.
some pple. i think might be more useful despite their obvious flaws.
but i dunnoe la.
its so difficult.
i wun wanna sae so much anymore.
pple are sreading wad i sae ard so much that i dun really noe wad am i saeing anymore.
aiyah.
amost time for me to pass on le.
ehhs.
sound like i dying or wad.
err. i mean. pass on the leadership la..
haha

todae sch was pengs la.
chem cher so irritating.
wad on the brink of failure.
its hx irritatie me lor.
becum my fault again.
ya la. i noe my chem sucks la.
mid-yr will try to improve k.
was juz going to sae smth nice about her also.
den muz piss me off.
blahs.

wo hao xiang pei bu shang
ren kan jiu shou bu keng neng.
wo zhe me zhen xin. zhe me zou.
ye hui she zhe yang
wei he ne?

biao mian shang ren bu hui zhe me yang
ke shi. wo zhi dao ta men xin li zai xiang she me.
we zhen neng bu shang xin ne?
haiS.
i dunnoe. la.
~~~~

ur FriEndly Dm.
============>
not so friendly anymore.

2005-04-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

studious pple in band. who saes we din work hard?

jasmine.

2005-04-18T06:27:00.000-07:00



dumbpple!



2005-04-18T06:15:00.000-07:00
sick todaae ar.
haha.
went ta doc.
was rude and irritating.
but who cares
din noe wad to do after tt
like take medicine or wad.
din noe
haha
im dumbb.
called
to ask for help!
im dumb. haha

anw.
gonna study ya.
pple. pls force me to study.
beat me up or wad.
i need pple in dmn to force me ta study.
haiS.
time is running up
after tt.
chiong trombone.
i think my teeth is inhibiting my progress..
can see that my teeth hits my lips la,
den willhaf dis dent lines..
scared will destroy my lips one dae or wad..
blahs.
anw.
really hope to receive confirmation from pple..
haiS.
dunnoe la. unsure of myself..
hope so.

i think like..
ms chong angry with me or wad.
i dunnoe la
like os distant suddenly.
like quite okae de leh.
but like..
after syf. she talks to everyone but ignoresme
den end of de dae.. sae "nat, go home. dun hang ard ar"
like. abit.. hmms... weird la.
haiS. i dunnoe. i dunnoe.

everyone happy can le.
including myself of course.
haha.

really!
heard. todae band de celebration was a flop.
hah. dunnoe la
sec 4s totalli cannot go lor.
aiyah. see how la.
maybe we get a bbq pit and rock the place down or smth...


TROMBONES ROCK THE HALL DOWN~!!!
2005-04-15T03:15:00.000-07:00
im so glad that only those cmi pple think that wae.
im sorry for the rest of the bandits. that haf to listen to them jump for joy at your expense.
nevertheless, an uncomplete victory, but still a victory.
im proud of u guys. alot. really alot.
baisheng, fiona and my sl, iris.
for all we have achieved together.
i hope to do this gig again. and replicate the feat.


2005-04-14T16:19:00.000-07:00
ystd.

4 peroids of nothing in sch.. den left for music rm with mrs toh looking shocked. whoots. wenta move chairs and everything.. den ms chong came..

1st prac

had some problems with my mouthpiece and its acumalation of water... went to wash and clean it. ms chong at first smsed lawrence siao but found out that we coul not position the piano/. so began a mad rush to adjust seats so that daniel could see. phone books.. boxes... platforms.. nothing worked really well. sms again.. now we could. so all that rush for nothing..

break

kept chairs and wadever... felt abit...pissed? how can bandits.. on their syf dae sae that "i've done more than enuff'" aand not help? hmms. wenta bathe and change after lunch.. darren, khrish, hx and jann were so noisy in the gals toilet la.. went back... kenneth they all organised some sort of prayer la. shouldn't have been a big thing.. but yea.. God provides.. din pray much.. cos too nervous already.. din really expec tto comfort pple in that situation... rach said.. "its getting wad u all deserved... if u all put in hard work, u get hard work results. if u dun.. why ask God? "

bus

trip  was pretty eventful. uncomfortable. couldn't sit properly. kev was irrritating me wif... the same things again... managed to switch topics to iris. haha. but it was so evil . felt guilty aftertt... reached s.c.h.  everything was disorganised. the army guy came to scold the BM. somehow like i feel more err... scolded than him leh..
so wenta organise the band and everything. kena pissed off by cherlin and her atitude. any person would noe that i was merely talking to adeline and giving some really practical advice. its not like i saed some out fo the way logic. "den u professional meh?" so pissed la. i could have saed.. "my  one year of musicianship far outweighs probably all u could have done in 4. thats enuff professionalism for me" end up. i juz saed "so are u professional? "*no* "den dun talk. its adeline im talking to." pushed that awae from my mind. saw loyang pple. really sadded and crying. ghong ghee saed they broke down during de competition. really sad la. think they played better than most of those bronze bands.. or even silver bands.. maybe its the choice of peice also? who noes..

comp.
went to tune. and wait ard. the waiting was the hardest part. when we went in. realised after the whoel tiogn that we were the only band to stand and wait for the conductor to come in la.. starting... perc were v. nervous. daryl tells me its cos they din arrange perc. in the way they wanted. and caused allotta probs cause they prac in that psitioning already for so long,. started.. playying for sg rhap was slightly above our average std i think... den star of dreams.. some sections din do as well.. but it was okae,... average liddat ba.. din do as well as i tot..
so left and the snrs felt pretty dejected. cos like.. it wasn't as good as last syf's or smth.. well. the other bands were pretty okae. some were really ... but yea. hCI sounded pretty nice. muz be the song yea. trombones were not as good as i tot. and they chose a nice piece. think alan din grade them a GWH. cos the interpretation was too striaght and playing wasn't that ideal, unlike wad he did(or mr yeow?) did wif philyouth.

results
the band got call in parts by this stupid saf guy.. "i cn count!" blahs. so anw. the results were aNNOUNCE BY MR SIAO.  ...  'catholic high.. GOLD WIF HONORS." "scgs... GOLD" "band no. 113.. dunman secondary concert band .... *super long pause* GOLD!"                "haising catholic band... GOLD" .... "HCI ... GOld"
super happy. went back and eveything thing. ms chong cried. we sang i love u u love me.. to ms chong.. so happy like crazy la..
-skips the rest- felt abit.. down to reality le.. hmms. like.. i dun realy feel that some of them should even be saying those words or celebrating la.. since.. they din put in the effort.. or the commitment. so why would dey be the one to sae? hmms. i dunnoe la. juz some reality tots..


2005-04-13T08:14:00.000-07:00
prayer. let this dream. come true. yea?


2005-04-11T10:27:00.000-07:00
todae was a bad dae.
aiyah. dun really wanna talk abt todae la.
chers scold like crazy... make so many pple pissed... aiyah.
im tired.

well anw. i forgot my books on sun. left them at her hse. blah. 12th nyte and one whole bunch of notes. blah. actually wanna get back todae. but realise that muz go the rjc concert.
almost* considered getting my friends to help mi takee. since she was at tm. but couldn't get thru ple that i trust.. only got who? wilson ar.. haha. so din ask la. din take lor.. diee " i tot.

luckily for me.. euu was at tm also! mwhaha. she help me get and bring. so nice rite? haha. oh well.s im likeable! =X

so bhb. anw went for the rjc concert. wahha cool! so many chiobus. blha.. haha. really ma. esp the emcee!!!haha. cuiying is sucha cute ger eh? so evil. keep talking about the conductor's butt. blah hahaah.. i think she's a perfect match for mr oura... same height!!!
ah wells. rjc really is wad it is la. no doubt about that. they are that good. no doubt. and tey are that chio. no doubt!! =X

haha.eh nat. pls think straight k. they are older than u. and u shldn't be thinking liddat. later ple whack u den u noe ar... "

syf.. heard many bands get gold and honors. many SHOCKED band. i hope we are one of them. really. really really. i will not bow down again. no way. plsplsplsps. if opwo can get. i dun see why we can't. we muz get it. no matter how. we muz. we muz!!!!!!!!

God give me strength.
God lend us determination.
Glory to the almighty.

~~~
heyys. i promise. i will spendd more time wif u. after tis week. and on my studies. yea? =X
eeu bul aye


2005-04-10T08:13:00.000-07:00
back here again eh?
well. syf is coming really soon.
really hope everything goes well.
dun wanna let the members realise that u noe..
its okae making a few mistakes and shrugging the off.
its in fact, OKAY to make mistakes. but NOT shrugging them off .
and thats impt to me.
i dun want them to regret ther deceisions by being sloppy and everything...
end up losing by that few points...
everythign should be our BEST effort. not an OKAY effort enough to get gold.
but to go gurther than that.
and thats wad we want to do.

gonna be making alot of choices soon.
hope we do make the correct choices and everything goes smooth.
studies need a boost too..
blah.
so many things that need choices.
and one can never stop making choices...
esp. wif u.
one choice leads to 2 and more..
its juz another ongoing game or wad...

and wad am i going to do?
blah.
its not like im spending enuff time.
all on band and sch.
and it shows.
it shows alot.
im also losing friends.
cos i can't spend time wif them.
and im distancing wif u too.
im not knowing wad u feel or wad u are nowadaes.
its not suspicion or wad.
its juz.. space.
skip sat's service also..
cos really tired.
or distracted.
blah. things juz going abit.. differently.
they sae its normal.
is it?
i dunnoe either.
and i can't really think that much too.

God provides when man fails to supply.
God supplies man with the skills to supply.
God is the provider. the supplier of my need.
in him i turn to.
in him i trust.
entrusting my faith. my will. my life. my problems. you.
to Him.
in God WE trust.
amen.


2005-04-06T06:15:00.000-07:00
new yr resolutions: buld up enuff courage to withstand all kinds of abuse after i pinch mx's nehneh/ slap her nehneh.

wth. she pinch my NEH todae. blahs. beat la. so big guts ar. hummphs. if not cos er.r.. the different genetic make-up.. :P
i would HAVE.
humphs.

~~
but anw. todae band. blahs. okae la. crapped w/ baisheng dey all. hope dey dun really take it seriously. hope they understand that i teach them for 2yrs ard le. its really all real and from the heart. and may possibly the only batch that i actually tot la. (w/ iris too of course..) aiyah. wadever la. juz hope baisheng will be better than me 2yrs from now! (haha. wrote that on his wish card!)

ran thru the seating arrangements and everything todae. hope they really noe wad to do. hope on that dae will run really as smoothly as possible. worked so hard for how many mths le. juz to kok it all up on one single 10mins seems really too hard to imagine la. pple sae we can get gold.. if we really do everything rite.. hope we really do. cant stand another yr of petty bashing and what ifs and all. i want them to noe that really, we have achieved wad we sought out 2yrs ago. and we hold true to it. i hope all the anger, tauntrums and wad-not i have thrown these few mths have not been to waste. so many times i tot of giving up or wad.. juz to realise thats its both useless for me to try to give up and give up NOW. really wish that things will fall into place.

hmms. since last yr when we first started. i rmb that i tot if we could pull our mental discipline up before the start of thisyr, it might have been alot easier. seems to me i faced too many obstacles to overcome or wad. events all crashed. atitudes all turned neg. leaders left the circles.  and my studies to boot. all those hindered and sought to break my faith and determination from wad i thought i could have helped the band to acheive.

the start of this yr was really sluggish. i could not imagine that the band could even get a gold or somewhat. and i displayed that mentality. and so did many others. the disparity of it was certain and the aura was in the air. the gloom of doom overwhelmed the band, choking and suffocating everyone.
the band camp was sort of another failure/ sucess too. the failure was in the keeping of promise.s and the failure was in the management and objectives. the sucesses were in educating and fun.
for myself. it was a failure to my ablity to mentor the sec 3s in the rite wae properly even before the camp. many managemental styles was pretty hay-wire and i take personal responsibilty for that. i mean, i haf no rite to sae that being able to run the band smoothly was the job of theirs rite? atleast not yet. yes, leaders often learn on their own or wad. but with the foundations pretty weak now, i hope to let them have a political pedigree first, before facing the world out there by themsevles, juz to make sure that everything goes well.
i pretty much had hoped the bnd would be able to gain dscipline too, but seems ot me that that was never an objective in the teacher's goals and asipriations. therefor, i din think that it was necessary o push that thru too. looks like that should be high on the list for the next committee already. but first of all, their discipline should come first.

anywae. thats another story to be entailed. and another to come thru. our main objective has been syf 2005. and are we geared up for it? personally, i think the turnover is too far back to make any realy headwae. butapparently, the ideal is getting thru pretty well. our music has never been oon the atrocious part of the band music scene. but neither have we been able to achieve our objectives, fully satisfied. this will perhaps be our best chance to prove ourselves to the school, too our detractors both within and outside, and to ourselves, most importantly. the balance have been set and how well we will fare is another thing altogether.  after all, the results  that we get reflect how much of our best we have put in, together, not based per person, but by each and everyone of us together. and when syf is over, i do not hope to hear or see anyone blaming the other for not putting in enough effort or not enough commitment. wad use is there in talking of that? after all, what should have been done is done already. and words of such will do nothign to affect the judges decsion for the next 2 years until they meet again. and thats where the vicious cycle continues to turn...


2005-04-01T08:40:00.000-08:00
ch oral was okae.. laughed cos ms si laughed. den i luff.. den she accuse me of laughing first.. den act. is she luff first.. hahaa.. dotdotdot.
n gd ar. she sae muz prac more.. got gd use of words but bad vocab.. haha...
math mock test was... a goner. 23 qns i think. less than 10 answered. less than 3 confident of getting more than 1 mark. blah.
~~~~~~
went out wif her. ard 8 plus got a call sae my grandma in hospital. something about she fell down. got alkaline in blood and high sugar lvls.. sugar lvls caused spasms and mayb why she fell down.. alkaline may be due to the cancer medication.. and may be toxic to the body. sounds super serious. had to break the prog. and leave. she decided to go wif me la. jus in case or wad. and a person beside may be helpful, thats wad she saed la. im grateful for that, cos it means she trusts me so much la and like.. is not affected by the break of another prog. "again" im thankful for all that... really. thanks be to God. for all every blessing he has given la.. 

so anw.. went to the hospital.. saw my grandma. part of the face is swollen and under oxygen mask i think or smth. drip and everyhting. doc came every 15mins la. hands still had some spasms. was wif my sis. she saed we should like pray la. so we went to the day rm and prayed for grandma. finish praying juz nice got this guy walk in.. haha. den he was like "am i disturbing?" went out. talked abit wif the relatives. somehow, everyone seemed to haf their own political agenda or smth la. got this auntie was really irritating IMHO la. wanna act pro micromanage everything. im sorry but.. i think CMI la. take care of 2 old parents like fighting war liddat. all this sombre face. pple talking also starestare. u think hafing a funeral face will help? den bth. can like go comment on my fren liddat. u dun like sae la. stare wad stare. blahS. 

when did my grandma become embroiled in this whole political turmoil? the adults are like going crazy over this la. juz wish it will not happen la. and things be well. not another political battlefield. i had enuff of it already in sch and abit in other places..

dear God, i pray that u keep my grandma under ur wings of protection. that u will protect her and give her rest, like u saed in de bible.. "when u are weary and burdened, come to me and i will give u rest.." lord, let her be open to wad u are doing lord. she may not have accepted the faith. but i noe that u haf accepted her into your kingdom already. there is nothing that the devil can do to harm her or anyone. i pray that lord, she be as healthy physically and spiritually to noe u lord. i entrust her into your miighty but gentle hands lord, that with ur strength and not ours, may ur will be done. Amen. 


.
2005-03-30T06:58:00.000-08:00
todae so sad..
zenn and hx bu yao li wo..
haiS. so sad..
blah. dey so lifeless de.
alwaes sleeping or wad.
i used up all my energy trying to cll them sia...
blahS...
quan shi jie bu yao li wo de shi hou,,
ni bu ke yi bu yao li wo orh...
=X
~~~~~~~~~
omg. i cheated at chinese test!
albeit.. trying..
haha. im really bad at copying or wad la..
i open de book under de table.. so hard to see or wad...
den mrs ma like keep looking over lo..
think she noes i was copying orwad la..
but den again..
i copy hor..
like copying wrong thing de..
the word looks like.. blah.
i dun noe la..
should not copy ya?
~~~~~
band @ atrium todae..
was kinda gd prac la....
hope they noe our motives..
and goals... for a gold. and as much as we can achieve..
some dmn pple are really irritating la.
shoutshout.
buggers. u think dikir barat v. good is it.
CANT EVEN SING PROPERLY LA...
wad rhythm good ar.
anyhow heck one.
think pple dunnoe is it..
blahS..
~~~
fuckin angry.
call this a time tog.?
dun waste my time la.
wad priorities and wadever.
im juz tired la. i need my space like everyone else.
u think u fa pi qi i cannot is it.
why everytime is i qian jiu u de.
den u cannot meh.
blahS.
i dunnoe la.
haiS.
-time off-
~~~~ 
when the world ignores me,
will u do that too?
blah.


2005-03-28T05:21:00.000-08:00
pypw concert ystd.. rocked!
haha. okae la. i cracked and missed notes la. and some parts.. due to lack of reheasal training..
juz nice i nvr come they hafta prac the slow songs la.. so ya.. haha.

okae la. i think? was seriously hmms. deafening. perc as crazy la.

pw was great as usual.

we watch the concert.. all trying to eat lollipops.. haha. den so sticky! so had to pull when they had loud parts...
chong hui was so hilarious la.. haha. .... pull pull pull den cannot come out.. haha..

~~~
kena tekan todae. cos missed out eng homework.
expplained that i had concert rehearsal for 3 daes strt la.
so maybe, yes, i was at fault...
but u din need to tell me ur fun excitement at hanoi la.
pls. u went for fun and leisure.
 7hrs fun vs 2 hrs work seems lopsided at best la.
dun come compare la.
wad can ork and play at same time..
u try playing trombone and doing homework la.
its not like i din do my work la.
juz nt enuff.
rushing other homework until 2+ la.
all u can sae is that u wad.. err.. nvr slp for 1-2 hrs until 1.
thats still an hour diff la.

sucker.
bernard even worse.
blahs.
juz wished i was really bad or wad la.
at least i feel noraml being scolded.
so idiotic la.
scolded cos i had more valid reaonss than others.
find. i dun mind.
since yes, i din do my work.
wads it gotta do wif being a dm and band?
face it bernard. u suck.
u need an atitude adjustment okae.
i dun appear in detention everydae la.
seldom in fact.
dun come find me to crap ard ok.
im not ur toiletbowl.
u dun come sae wad i run ard playing truant and wad.
i dnu okae.
i spend my freakin time on band.
yes. i admit that.
but if i tot that was fun u might as well be playing lan games la.
~~~
had fun disturbing zenn todaes.
mwahhaa!
hx was lame as usual. gmae freak!
~~~
sry hor. neglected u agn.
fri ps.
sat was short.
sun was busy. tot i could la. but i couldn't.
haiS.
if i could.. i would.
but.. haiS
trust in the Lord and that he will provide.. yea?
~~~
ah wells. sch tmr and detention.
bernard betta shut up k.
i wanna prac bone ok.
shuddoup abt music schs la.
u noe nuts abt them lor.
"yamaha has music progs rite? they dun need Os.. is that wad u want?"
*huhh? go yamaha for wad? huhh...*
me: o lvls? ya. need. go nafa wad. best got As.
nerd: so u dun need Os rite? u can leave the sch wad.....we dun need...
me: i juz saed i need an O and i want an A or diploma be4 i consider...
nerd: so u dun want ot take ur Os rite? i can tell the principal that...
me:!!!!!#$%^&@^#!!!!


2005-03-25T08:59:00.000-08:00
hmmz. was juz on the phone juz now la. den was tlkaing about friedships la. something about conflicts and people u lost throughout the years. some of them leave the best memories.. but some of them leaves the most bitter of tastes... thinking about that...

i reliased i have many of those cases.
a yr ago i think i had 3 other very gd friends.
den we drifted awae.
awae. awae. awae.

from one prob to another...
we juz got further and further a further la.
until one dae.
juz realised that we could no longer share probs le.
cos its juz like apples and oranges.
ur probs really i dunnoe wad to do or sae
my probs u also cannot care or lend a ear.
wad point was there telling u all that? 
when there was nothing to actually tell?

"u alrite? " was the best thing they can sae to me and i to them.
"u juz be urself and people will be ur friends one" sounded so hollow to me.
"haha. i noe u can do it de" sounded so fake to myself even when im saeing that..
"how's ***/* nowadaes ar? heard that she/he has alot of probs... u muz take more concern hor. " is wad i usually ask pple to do for those of my "friends"
"eh. she/he got bf/gf /// break up ar? " is wad i kaypoh about...

the point is. in reality. even if i can show concern in my own minute ways. they are probably gone to me long ago. the recent times when i went out wif one of them... was so humdrum and dull. i could even feel it. wad we could converse are so... dull and uninteresting. like wad aunites whom u nvr met ask ard u noe.. "wad u get for psle/o/a/uni ar?" that type of qns...

hang ard.. also feels so bad that u noe. u should make an excuse to go or avoid when theres a chance, cos u noe. that its already so awkward la.

i gotta face de truth. yea?

"the camraderie that u shared with your friends are gone, nat. face that truth. and it probably will never come back again. juz get on wif ur life and get going. its not like they need YOUR help. they are already settled in their cliques and growing, w/ or w/o ur help. now, with u hangring ard, its going to juz cause more problems. why dun u juz fade awae and give them that space that they need? after all, thats wad u were working for isn't it?"

well. i never saed i waswrong. i juz feel so extra nowadaes. and... i was juz thinking about them suddenly AGAIN wad. no question about that. oh well. get on wif life u bugger!


2005-03-24T04:48:00.000-08:00
ystd was too busy compainingn that i forgot ot talk abt ystd. mwahah. my class guys ae a weird bunch of pple.
so cliqued up also.
i figured if we wanted to call someone out. we had to convince the entire grp. no go den.
well. so where am i ?
i realised im not really in tune with them la.
jlim, suquan, clemmy... considered quite okae la. but hor. dunnoe why so luan de.
den dey hor. super haha. nvm~
den jkoh.. had fun wif him . gaying ard. den don also. but sometimes i abit irritated la. guess its normal. 
favian and joel are wif the malay bois.
sorta okae wif the maly bois la. but somehow, i keep feeling that they are not wad they make themselves out to be. mms.
jw. wk. qn... v. distant. haha. not my genre la~ =X

den hor. they all got like someone in de grp that they dun like or dun really is like.. nice to la. den hor, becos of this kinda things hor.. den wun go de or wad la. so v. wad la. alwaes its either this or that. no together de. haha.

den hor. diff grps of pple like to do diff things. dong plays cs. some play bowling(but cant bowl), some play DOTA. some like ta watch movie. some like ot eat fast food. some like to read comics. some of them, like me, is anything de. cos we dun really do anything specific de. hafta hang ard.

DEN HOR~ alwaes so luan. haha. dunnoe la. juz tot clas setting should be easier to bond la. but also so difficult. so many grps of pple de. wanna talk also so difficult. haiS.
can't everyone be friends?
srinand is a nice guy. used to be our link la. juz realised that. between the chinese guys and malaay bois.. the guaier grps la. and some of de pple. haha. are we missing him? probably!~ muz be the x-box.

de rest of the guys are pretty much free floaters. like. got other grps they belong to outside class de. or dun even care abt it la.
aiyah. dunnoe la. so luan de.

after band ystd. got so bloody irritated la. walked home. took joel's bone and sent it to him . took a lettter wif me also la. went to gif her.

ahaha. so weird la. dunno. den went home and bitched ard.
my parents noe results le. like so scary la. still failing some subs. wad am i doing man? blahS.


2005-03-23T05:34:00.000-08:00
2 yrs. 2 fucking yrs i wasted.
and for wad?
for someone i did so much for. and doesn't realise that.
and repays wif wad?
crap.
im tired.

life sucks. i noe that.
im juz trying to do it better.
but wth. its still lidat.
why did i even care about this problem 2 yrs ago?
me and my fucking kpo behaviour.
when i could have gotten here in this state now.
without all the stupid problems and crap.
and i may have lost the friends all the same.
at least i dun have to do it twice.
shit.


2005-03-21T04:27:00.000-08:00
blah. have i not been doing enuff?
ppple sae gif in 100% effort.
personally i think i been gifing in 180% la.
studies also hmms. trying v. hard le.
BUT. i will try even harder. cos this is after all my life.
wad shall i tell my chers when i meet them wif my parents?
that i will try harder.?

i dunno la. i need more moremoremore work.
i mus do it la.
the band needs moremoremore work. and can we do it?
i can try. my very best to do everything in my abilty.

BUT. somehow, all i get is more criticsms la.
wad faking ard.
wad not committed. wad escape here escape dere.
wad not really in tune wif the band.
im tired of all that.

B
U
T
im not going to care.
20+ daes. either wif us. and strive for a gold.
or u are against us and wish all the worst.
i dun give a damn to that.
gold or nothing.
and u are nothing, when u dun dream the same dream.
 dun sae wad i nvr gif chances.
not enuff is it /past yr doing os much le.
can still tell me wad i not fit to be leader.
not fit jiu not fit lor.
either wae. i already here for 1 yr le.
wad u want me to do?
give up my position and give u ar. can. why not?
i can concentrate on my studies la.
but let me tell u de truth.
ur committment is so much less.
not like ur playing is great la.
wanna criticse. wanna talk so much.
u think they will listen?
even to me the yalso dun listen alot le.
wad makes u think they will listen to u?

dun make urself seem so great.
u are nothing. nothing without that post.
nothing without ur instrument.
nothing w/o the band.
like i am.
once i step down.
no more will mr lee come call me dm slacking liao.
all he can see is a weak dT student trying his damn best to get a @#$%^ A1 for dT.
and thats a fact.
all mr teo can see is that im trying my best ot do every single crappy math problem in INK.
all mrs fong in class is me and a calculator and physics probs.
mrs lim and me sitting down with my notes all done.
im determined. not to fail.
God pls gimme strength.
gimme friends that will do the same.
determined to do well for Os like the band will, for syF.

BUT.
i wanna noe that syF, i can give in my best w/o regrets.
no way. am i going to give up that dream now.
no way.


Gold? or nothing to acheive?
2005-03-20T05:21:00.000-08:00
arRgh. im very afraid for my band. i can still rmb a few mths ago when the committee sat down together and very confidently saed that our main objective is Gold. i noe that i put my heart and soul to that goal. but, im still not sure if the others are wif me.. or even worse, against me. that i can never set it to rest.

im afriad of disappointing the school. disappointing ms chong(esp.), myself and others ard me.
i dun wanna face that prospect of crying at the syf venue. thinking that we would have done it. thinking of all the times when we could have done much more, im afriad of releasing that anger at pple or wad. cos i noe that they could have done more. i hope that would nvr come to pass.

im afriad for the flutes. im afriad that we would never be able to bring them to play together as a section. to never get them to pull away from that idea that they are the worst. to let matt suffer, maybe another emotional setback. i dun want that to happen.

im afriad that the clar will cos us the marks. not becos of squeaking. but cos of tuning and runs. those are the main killers. but no one noes. no one seems to realise that. they keep thinking that u noe.. squeaks will affect the band marks. and cos of that, they ar demoralised. they are unable to judge that accordingly and suffer that.

im afriad for the basses, that we will suddenly be too loud or boisterous and lose the energy. that the lower wdwinds would be weak at exposed parts and will cost us many significant marks that could have made us to a gold.

im afriad forthe sax and horn sections, that they can't blend together. that they will be too deluded in their playing and forget about the band. its only good to play loud when u cna blend. to play powerfully if u are confident. if not, u will lose all that stand at risk.

im afriad for my section. that we will lose our direction and tounging. we will not watch ms chogn or have some technical setbacks. having judges to sae that trombones are weak would be perhaps the worst comments for ms chogn. slides also. any minor damage will cause probs. haiS.

im afriad for the tpts. that darren will play too loudly and stick out. that the rest of the section will fall apart in intonation and rhythm. that the duet will not be heard. that somebody will fluff it up. that they will lose the demeanour that they exlude in an instant.

im afriad for the euphs. that their parts will not be played well. that the slurs are not clean. that melodic lines cannot be ehard. short notes will be plaed long. and we will suffer that.

im afriad for the perc. nists, that they will lose the beat. that some might screw up. that u noe, we follow them instead of conductor.  that some fo them might be too nervous and foul up wad might be their strongest areas.

im afriad for the latecomers and pontangers. that they will not not wad to do or play on that dae. that they will screw up cos they nvr come prac.

im afriad that the bandits will lose the spirit. will be too nervous. will be too self-conscious. will be demoralised. im afriad of all that.

who saes i have no fear? i have fear. great ones at that. but i wave them off at an instant. why? cos i believe that dmn band can do it. we can achieve wad others call impossible. wad others think to be too distant and far. i want to live that dream. that aspiration. i want that.

-live the dream-


2005-03-19T05:41:00.000-08:00
glad that pple think that the camp was fun.
but i think, all for the wrong reasons.

like for waterbombs and usch. when it was but an adjunct to the activities.
i admit i had fun. =x
but once again, it shows the depravity of our discipline. hais.

homewerk not done too.
kept seeing mr lee in the sch.
was it guiltyness on my part?
but i was really haiS. angered la
i mean, rejecting all i done.
so much offort. i mean i noe la. how lousy the drawing are.
but i cant really visulise the crap la.

haiS. sucks.


2005-03-15T11:18:00.000-08:00
heys. hope tmr will be a better dae.
let this camp be most sucessful and enduring. pls.
no screw ups, no major probs.

i still believe if i had sae in the matter, it would have gone for the best.
but since u insist, i take it that u noe better.
juz dun blame me when it comes to that time when people will judge you for wad u have done and wad u could have done.

got surprises wor...
got my own surprises in store. hope it'll do alot better.
lets hope it does. yea?

and to you...
thanks for all  u have done...
for all that u are... and is, to me.
thanks.


2005-03-12T05:30:00.000-08:00
blahS. blahs. blahS. blahS.

why am i so  kpo?

haha.

"ur face is one that shows emotions.." we all can see that u are not happy" we should work ard the situation since we already decided on it"

blah.

im tired.

i knew i should have done something abt it when i can.

it may work out. it may not. i dunnoe wad to think den. see how bahS. if i can help, i prob will. if things get out of hand. im sad to sae, that i will ignore there is. because i no longer haf any will to do wad i prob can in the past. and anw, its not like the past was good anw. we'll see how. i wish we can push things out farther. somehow, i dun think its juz a mile. its a hundred miles in 31 days. psychological, mental, is the main impt factor. whoever who happens to want to read my blog. pls remember that. its the mental factor. nothing else has a bigger consequence. nothing else is able to stand up to that. once u guys start interfereing, it maybe gd or bad. but its really too late. somehow, i think it shouldn change hands now. but den again. its really ur deceision. sch pays u for ur opinion. the govt sends me for free to this sch. i should be grateful, and not be grudging my thanks. wad do i haf to say? i have but none.

"midsummer's madness!"

"see thou cross-gartered...in yellow?"
=x


2005-03-08T03:51:00.000-08:00
ARRGH.

im tired of al this crap la. from november argue until now. no change. wtf is their prob? nov sae too many band prac. dec sae chers all go vacation. jan sae shld relax more. feb sae band camp ok. march sae mrs neo sae sch too busy liao.

CRAP.

pple sae leave things to be. it will turn out allright. well. show me where things turned out rite? i should have given up when i could. now oh wow. im here to bear that burden of defeat. self-defeat. and internal conflict that defeats us way be4 the judging. we dun even need the judges to scare us off. we are practically ruined.

now the thing is, should i be the one shouldering the responisbility and gossips for years to come? when i know that its in fact. others, the school, the indeceisiveness, that dealt the blow. or maybe the ineffectivenesss of the committee. and my dumb self.

"dun worry la. if the band will get gold it will la..." will it? not with this type of atitude

"i do so much thats all the bandits give me." so tell me where i went wrong. tell me i haven't been doing anyhing of substance. tell me that. tell me that, if u can. 

4 yrs in dunman. 4yrs in band. 4yrs wif ms chong. 2yrs with my jeow and ms koh were part of the most relaxed ties i ha in band. i admit i had a few serious quarrels with my seniors. but they were pretty ok, compared to the relative atitude i have from these people i have to call teachers and principal. students are not selfish or ignorant. its wad these pple make us to be. i knew i should have written that in my composition. arRgh. ms chong. bandits who believe. friends. u. all i have failed. damnit. 


today.
2005-03-07T05:00:00.000-08:00
blah. one day be4 the common tests.
guess why am i freaked out over a common test? i guess, its cos its the Os already.
dun buck up now.. its probably the end. of my academic careeer.

why am i still here? haha. prob cos i nvr was really mde to study la. if i know it, i know it. if i dun... its probably a goner.

sometimes... the christian faith is pretty much a hypocritical thing. nothin much u sae can make them change their minds. God din sae leave everything to my hands and i will work them out. he saed that to our burdensand our work. he din REALLY sae that concerning how our life should go. isn't that pretty much wad u christians like to so deny.. that "christians dun believe in fate!" *in a most evangelical and deitified manner.

i guess. its pretty much the human twisting of natural truths that brought us here today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

read abt the illuminati. sounds pretty too much doomsdae. some of the stuffs sounded all way too high and mighty that u might not really believe in it. i dunnoe. maybe there is such an organisation. maybe there isn't. well. who noes?

juz realised that suquan is a christian. recent at that.
hmms. maybe there is hope for a better future. maybe...

sigh. i dun really noe what to do anymore.
what happened to that sure headed. (pig headed if necessary)
stubborn. my-rite-of-the-way swashbuckling idiot who ignores all authority
for the people? and for people.?
and for myself? for...

i dunno. time i reflected upon myself. be4 i start thinking abt our matters.
ya?


2005-03-05T10:25:00.000-08:00
blahS.

respect.

yes. i agree as do others, and have reitarated my own point many times already. respect runs both ways. but there must be a start, where respect has to go.

leader respect juniors or is it juniors respect seniors?
pple sae, leaders must respect jnrs first den dey can respect seniors.

i beg to differ, guys. what pple respect, is what u happen to be able to do for them. who cares whether u give them respect or not. they only bother, if u are useful to them. and of course, scolding them is something that they consider as negative, and gives them a reason to throw all kinds of vulgarities and such and LOSE all that so called respect.

respect means taking in all your advice and decsions? 
in case anyone still doesn't realise. how can the principal listen to what everyone is saying and follow up on them? that would be oxymoronic. yes. listen to advice is right. but NOT listening to a specific person's advice doesn't mean that he/she is stubborn. it doesn't mean anything, unless, of course it can be proven, such as a group of people who can convince him/her that it is obstinate.

but noo~. some pple insist on their ways. if they fail to impress that idea upon you, they make a bi fuss of it and complain to hell lot of people. so thats uhh... school people. 

~~~end transmission

well anyway. im too bothered already by all the bullshit.
blahS.

apparently there is a whole bunch of problems again to settle. why? blahS. why can the earlier generations hold events w/o fuss. the school seems so supportive of it. everything goes well. no oine complains. every is nice and dandy.

but when it comes to the recent years, where things are supposedly supposed to change for the better. it all comes to naught. 

when will there be a silver lining to a dark cloud? when? when i leave?

~~~~end transmission

haiS. i dunno wads wrong la.
close doesnt mean able to read minds u noe.
sensitive means able to think thru carefully
and read signs.
but if u dun do anything. stay moody and all that.
how am i supposed to noe?
hai.


2005-03-03T07:41:00.000-08:00
is it really worth it? pursuing this dream for 4 yrs. blahS.
the dmnband dream.
the "Gold or Nothing' Campaign.


~unsung heroes


thik be4 u sae anyhting?
2005-02-26T07:09:00.000-08:00
blahs. had band today. some suckers juz dunnoe when to get serious. pls la. sae so many times liao. diedie wanna come late. my fault is it? ms koh's fault is it. kena scolded den go blame pple. kns sia.

sae wad committed. wad responsibilty. bunch of bullshit nia. talk about extra band session. can sae dun wanna come one leh. first time i hear be4. lsae cannot i believe la. but pls lor. pple talking about syf den u all can so kns sae wad got here and there. sae wad i no social life. pple no social life. pls lor. is cos of u pple that i dun have one lor. wth.

"eh. dun go for the stupid briefing lah! come with us!"

yea. she's rite. its a stupid briefing. its a stupid event anyway. everything's stupid.


2005-02-25T06:43:00.000-08:00
blahs. went out for awhile jux now. went nafa and everything. pretty whirlwind. den went home. tot i was going to rot at home la. den she called. saed go down now or smth la.

"heys. can u come down now? need to talk. ya."

"okae. i see wad i can do. around 20mins?"

"k. see you then."

was crying. i dunnoe wad to do when pple cry. wad am i supposed to do? err. ask liao den dunnoe wad to do also err.. den nvr ask also err.... juz lent my shoulder for awhile.

saed her grandfather juz passed awae la. den dunnoe wad wanted to see her. butshe was in sch or smth. den be4 she could get down den like go liao la. so kinda sad. cos like v. close and everything. grandfather wasn't christian. regrets like not even trying.

tried to comfort her and everything la. got a lil' better la. den like my own grandma now also cancer. its cherishing them while they are still hale and healthy, not waiting for their deathbed be4 u start crying. sorta feltbetter and everything..

got home kinda tired. missed my cluster cell event thigny...


tell me something that i dunno.
2005-02-23T03:30:00.000-08:00
hmms. went scgs on monday. blahs. couldn't escape class thanks to my fellow claszmates. and suaysuay...kenma aunty fong. den muz check wad wkbk. wad worksheet. blahS. sucks la.

scgs... is a nice sch. i like their pple. i like their gals. err... actually, only got gals la... haha...

hmms. im not one to judge. but i believe that they imporved quite abit. sounded more... together compared to last time. not that much better. but yes. it was pretty ok playing.

dunman? hmmss. i wun sae much la. but really. its not working out well. and its not like i can go every section and see wad i can do. and the prob? these people dun even have sectionals!! arRgh. nowadaes arRRhz. i open bandstore hor. like for myself only de leh. only i practicsing. den if not means got some section got tutor. thats abt it. rest of the time its juz myself and my dT work. i really want this to work out. i really want the band to be sorta alive again. but things juz aren't moving fast enuff. if there was only some way.. arRRHz. haiS. my playing getting from bad to worse sia. not really progressing much leh. think i getting too complacent le. everytime band prac also too busy running ard. also no time play bone de. kns. den prac by urself also kinda boring. scales... long tones... tounging... also sian. dun feel like sight reading the scales much also. aiyahs... my section... hmms. need alot of work la. or is my expectations to high for those two? actually hor... quite good liaos lor. but only left them le. dun work hard now...next time its them to suffer lohs.

esplanade the side v. nice to walk! its both cooling and relaxing. ssounds of the wind comes clear... is that due to the reflection of sound of the durian roof? =X reccomended for all lovers yea? hahas. like i know liddat...

its really too easy to lose pple ard u so easily. parents, grandparents... sisters..bros...may juz be gone in an instant... and when its time to sae u lov them. they r juz gone already. sickness, accidents... arguements...all happen far too easily. my bro's leaving today back for austrailia... gotta send him off liaoz.


2005-02-20T07:46:00.000-08:00
rjc was good. te hall sucked. i was ps-ed.
ms chong was dere. she din sit at my side. cos it was far too noisy.
i agree. "it was LIke.... ya..u noe. the road dere? yea, i felt there was smth that i REALLY loved u noe?" the whole concert. oh PULEESZE. juz shut up damnit.

i like the conductor. he stared at that bunch of tjcians who were like strolling in? nice!


2005-02-17T23:18:00.000-08:00
would u be happier?
=(


im pretty like. disappointed la. hmms. somehow i think its all my fault la. after. not being able to get friends is really ur own fault rite?

den again. who am i to talk about friendship?

-da[0]ka-


2005-02-17T04:30:00.000-08:00
u noe wad. im pretty tired.

heys. i think my macework is getting better! haha. but its too late also liao. going to leave soon. not like the school wants me ard.....

blahS.

i think i deserve to congratualate myself todae.... haha. well. cos i din flare up todae. despite the many setbacks yea? though i admit i did fling abit of that bad atitude at pris. but really. how many times have i gone through that same routine? and each time? does it look like it helps?

arRgh. rules will be rules. they will be broken. its how far u take it that makes a difference. i takemine pretty far down the road. well. if people cannot be disciplined. then there will be no more hope already. its pretty far muh gone down the drain. yes, i admit yx and wilson were pretty wild. but they controlled themselves. as far as things went. kevin restrained himself until after graduation. i pretty much think it should go farther than that. but thats not for me to decide. each leader will have his/her own set of guidelines to follow. mine jus happened to crossed someone's path. that doesn't make a difference. wether the next leader decides to relax rules or toughen it up. its them to decide. i dun gif a damn then.

but be4 that happens. nada.

pretty much irritated by alot of things juz now. im still speculating wad am i supposed to do really. and im pretty much tired of all this ya. bass trombonisms then. at least for now. haven't touched my baby for ard a month already. blahS. concentrate on syf now la. den Os.

God save me. please.
haven't been wif ya for so long.
let me be.


2005-02-12T09:57:00.000-08:00
hmms.

to be honest.
i dun really noe wad am i angry at to be really really honest.


am i angry at people cos they dun hmms. its the word acknowledge? for my work that i have done? like staying back for nothing. making extra effort to help other sections. do some stuffs out of the blue, cos hope it might catapult us to attention...and everything... then all the can sae is "u've been doing too much" or "we all been childish in the past. its time we helped u with the stuff" .... like uhhh. so u mean i cant do it w/o u? oh wells. wadever la. like u all got help liddat.

or am i angry cos...

i dun have friends. ..

actually. i do la. wad i mean is... no one i really perhaps...feel close to like maybe some pple from church or wad...

like... i've been "friend-hopping" or smth.. but it sorta seems wadever i do, i dun seem to be v. close o a person or smth. like... hwo do i sae it? erRms. like err... sae last time.. last time jkong also.. w/ natasha and maz ma... den i also left out. it used to be jann and jas ma. den like they r closer than i am la. so feel v. left out also lorhs. alwaes got some stuffs that i dun seem to noe abt until much later. or even matt and jann also liddat. den jkong and daryl... they seem close enuff... but like.. left out? or some events or wad, also not incl. kinda feeling la. really kinda hmms. left out. haha. dunnoe howta explain la...

i am juz left out. cos im weird. blahS. i dunnoe la.

now im stuck w/ mainly jkong daryl and the perc freaks. and im still left out eh?

dunnoe leh. i think its cos of sectionsection stuff la. den i cant really comment wad la. after all. being close to ur section is not a wrong thing wad. juz cos my section is not close in that wae means i have to stop people from having a close section wad. juz get left out alot. cos im trombone. nt perc. things like "perc rox!" and taking neoprints also.. alot of perc. rox! and things liddat. juz makes u feel left out ba. got one pic also.. obvious that im inside. but it stills sae "perc family" and wadever.... and its not like they treat me as part of the perc family also..

den again. im grateful for them already. why am i even complainign? they are there when probably no one else would. unitied as they can be (even if not in practicsing or wad...) and i should be happy that they actually allow me to tag along already. wad else do i want?

haiS. my answer is simple. but it doesn't really matter. it can never be solved anywae. wad i am asking. blahS


2005-02-11T06:52:00.000-08:00
The greatest single cause of atheism in the world todayIs Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lipsThen walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

is that wad we are? hmms. this is actually lyrics from an alternative rock song or something. den some alternative christian rock group used it as part oftheir song. heard both from a friend. sparked a very cool discussion la. as to why is liddat todae.

am i one of them? deny God. turn my back on God by my lifestlye. i think i am guilty. most of us are of course. no denial abt that. but this is after all, abt me and God. yea?

so anw. we all knwo that as guys in this conforming world todae and everything. we succumb to alot of temptation. we all noe how much we actually think dirty and everyrthing. some of us wath porn on a regualr basis. almost all of us have watched porn on any single time. no denial about that. the thing is that, even w/o all these influence. i have no doubt that the talk of today does not honor God. not one bit.

i can still rmb my cell (when it was in existence) they will ask. "who din do Quiettime arRRhz...."
everyone will sheepishly bow down and pretned nvr hear. or even when ask until  "once a week" (hopeful faces gone...) none would raise hands than the perhaps... more nerdy few.

is that a Godly life we claim of?

hmms. seriously. its a Big deal. maybe some of us shouldn't go out there and think of convincing people that they are lost to the dvil and everything. after all, they r right. how many of us really. REALLY are saved? by grace. by grace. of God.


2005-02-07T07:07:00.000-08:00
ehs. todae was a bad dae. i was alwaes getting poked. so irritating. ya. haha.



it was bad cos i rmbed something that i was not supposed to.

but din rmb things i was supposed to rmb.

did that make sense?

i dunnoe. ya.



hmms.













































juz dun wanna rmb much.

juz wanna be myslef yeah?




2005-02-07T06:40:00.000-08:00
ehs. this song makes me think so much. i think im going crazy ler.



why?



cos really somewhat v. emotional to me ba.

some things can really make a person v. emotional at times.

agry sad or wadever

this is cos of neuronconnections.

and why? cos sae for myself.

i associated this song to many things. and thus affected myself alot ba.

listening to this song again...

meant that i was able to somewhat relive those memories...

some were worth remembering.. in fact, all of them were.

but some... had a tinge of pain. had a thread of negativity that lasted.

hmms. but of course, some meant a new beginning.

=S



so probably thats why im feeling all confused and everything.

blahS. this is a weird feeling.

whoever tot of a cold and heartless arse to feel for such things?

oh do please let me wallow in utter depravity.

to be honest. hmms.

soe part of me. wanna be a cold and unfeeling arse.

cos that closes the part of me that feels pain and hurt.

and opens the more stolid side of myself. so i would u noe. feel perhaps better than wad i would be feeling now than perhaps a few weeks ago? well. who noes.



but then again. do i want to be like that?

showing a mask. showing a face of utter happiness and lameness.

even when u dun feel it. for sake of others. for the sake of other pple ard me.

cos i feel that they need more emotional support from friends .



so wad do i want?

im confused and feeling hopeless also. hahaS.








love. on discovery channel.
2005-02-06T05:48:00.000-08:00
people never remember the bad stories. just the good ones. but when was it someone really met with a car accident and faced the tragedy of losing a loved one like that? the possiblity is real and the risk is high. but there are also countless cases when it sounds so mundane that it gets u s obored that u fall asleep.



i've heard so many friends say that they are in love and everything. since i think pri 5. when bois discovered there are girls and girls discovered that bois are not those dirty offshoot spiecies of themselves. its really a wonder wether thats love or discovery channel .



from the innocence of p5... when i still remember i had a friend who "loved" the girl beside him and they sent love notes o each other. oh that was oh so romantic. whispering sweet nothings to her ear must have been the bravest thing he could have done at that time. and all the "single" guys like ourselves must have been so jealous. and of course, it was a greatpriveliege being part of them too u noe. we were friends of the bride and groom! it was pretty exciting and all. hanging around with girls and guys together. it seemed like we were more mature than the rest. and yes. we discorvered that girls actually had somethign interesting to say. and they were not that shallow minded creature who tot of nothign but dressing up barbie dolls....



to the guilty part of us in sec 1. when we discovered that we uhh... stared at girls. comparing whose figure is better and err... ranking them. that was girl watching. and uhh. of course, more love relations. except this time. the more unwanted set of guys realised that a couple relationship can happen over classes and even level barrier! and they actually do more than the peck on the cheek or the hand holdin ghand process. wow! its getting scandalous! its so exciting. yeah?



in sec 2. we found out that relationships can turn sour. and not all nice looking girls had nice characters. hurhur. some of them were pretty nasty too. and girls also watched guys too. not the less physically inclined us of course. those uhh. irritating and obnoxious bums who had some kinda lumps on their chests and a screwed up face. and they were the epitome of HAND=SOME. we were so tempted to bash up our own faces and swallow vinegar to get our faces like that. im still glad we din do that. =X



in sec 3. i learnt thatlooks were not really important. wad was important was the heart and chracter match. and guys who took more initiative got their girls too. som girls were desperate for guys too. some can change bfs and steads in matter of daes as thouh nothign happened. we had a debate on this in class. and found out that a good many din mind tht either. it was the traditional part of us that wanted love. not lust.



in sec 4. i wondered if i was an alien. people nwadaes look for big busts. thin waists. kissable faces. tight bum and everything. i wondered if anyone actually looked for the complexity of character. wad happened if i got a britney spears who had the three witches character? i went out and searched. somehow i guess some pple realised they could get the best of both deals too. if u looked hard enuff. on the inside. =D








2005-02-06T05:27:00.000-08:00
haha. juz heard gui ji again.

come to think of it. it Is pretty old. and its jay chou.

uRrrgh.

but this song is kinda memorial

haha.



i dunnoe why. surprisingly the music on this one is nice. though the singing was abit uhh... hmms. not that bad la.



but anw. this song i first heard it when i went for a hcjc concert. a sax quartet played it. to be honest, i din really catch the lyrics or melody on that quartet la. haha.

but ya. ended up getting the mp3. and more jay related songs. i din noe why also.

haha. but seems like the lyrics held some meanign u noe. that i could relate to.hurhur.

at that time la. i mean... things like staring blankly into space, cos u are thinking of someone and somethings. like ur pain and hurt and wadever. haha. hmms. was beside jasmine tan. haha. so funny sia. things like screaming over the song din seem like a good idea to me. well. hmms. reminiscence. haha,



den i met someone who love jay chou. actually. there are so many of them out there who totally adores jay chou. so how amazing is that anw? haha. but somehow actually this is the only jay chou song i knew at that time. so sua ku rite? =X



but anw. this song has somewhat meaning cos it happens that i heard this song over the person's headphones or wad la. den ask lor. started a conversatn. and everything. haha. i mean. i knew her and everything. but not close or anyhting wad. it was a sort of aqquaintance thingy. well. who noes. err. and no. this is not some love shit. mwahaha.



i actually began to hear jay chou;s songs becos of that incident. i also dunnoe why. was it cos i felt it must hold some meaning to me? or was it cos certain pple liked it? i dunno either. i dun really wanna find out eitehr. haha. but to be honest i only like jay chou's songs when its somewhat on the slower side of reality. haha. thats where his musicality stands out la. =P



so anw. i heard this song again in some mall. hmms. realised that i missed this song. haha. so i went to d/l it again. so lame right? some things juz stick to you like glue. and u nvr noe actually.

not until u realise that it left you.



haha. sentimental me. yeah rite.

somehow i get a kick out of perhaps... a cold and heartless me. so exciting!

sounds nicer anw. =X





















but i do miss you. quite alot in fact.

but i shall concentrate on Os now.

thats de most impt thing after God for now.

and i noe u think that wae too.

but wait for me.

unless there is nothing for u to wait for already.

hahas.

so is it cold and sentimental me?

or warm and heartless jerk?

so do ask and ask along.

weary be. weary along.




2005-01-31T05:33:00.000-08:00
haha. past 3 daes i went for this workshop. was kinda fun la. other than the fact that we sat in the avt for 13 hrs la. haha. got into a run-in wih mrs neo and mrs ma la. cos of band AGAIN. aiyahs. so sadded. haha. better be worth it sia. all this.. haha.



wad arrogant and wad la. go and die man. blahs. i noe in my heart its cos of high standards. i hope. but it doesn't stpo the gall to rise and feel the bitterness. haiS.



the workshop rocks.

choices have consequences.

i love myself.

doing wad is right and not wad is popular.

not i should. i must.






2005-01-31T03:17:00.000-08:00
hmms. im kinda slightly more optimistic now la. hmms. sec 4s... hopefulli wad jann saes is true lor. i realli wish i can do this properly. wif the comm and thingy.



reallireallirealli.

think about it. pple sae im selfish to take the band formyself and wadever. think about it again. if thats true. den im selfish cos i love e band too much. is that too much? i dunnoe. if it is, well. den let it be knwon that its for good intention. why else? cos i wanna do it cos im afriad, that no one else, maybe better at it. of course, assuming that i can la. which of course has been proven not. cos no one man can change the world. nor the mindsets of people.



den again. i foud out that there are people who care and hoepfulli do it well. i hope. i reali wish i can do somethign la. that is useful for this band.  or useful as in de results.

they better be sia. after all the tears and scoldings i got from chers.



back to the present. well. its been a long dae. and hey. i m so pissed juz now la. dunnoe why also. but i juz realised AGAIN, that the band is hmms. wad do u call it? too playful already? been trying to emphasise the fact that the band is about fun. and strict, hard discipline. at the right times. but they dun understand leh. sometimes muz be serious de. be serious la. cannot play one wad. ms chong was like so pissed offf la. everyone so lac liddat. haiS. i dunnoe la.



ya. got once i was so pissed off la. dun blame me man. who wouldn't be? teach some band pple about triplets. TRIPLETS. damnit. its juz a bracket over notes damnit. wad wrongwrongwrong. den argue so much. wth. 3 notes 2 beats v. difficult to understnad meh? play so much that u can only recognise 3 quavers in one beat. liddat my fault is it? den argue lose liao still can deny. den sae wad i nvr explain properly. wth. so many pple were like shaking their heads la. go and reflect ppleu shoot ur mouth off la. suckers.



dun blame me for being vulgar sia. so simple thing also dunnoe. den damn hell wanna argue. who the heck do u think u are sia. dun even noe about triplets wanna comment. im so pissed la. everyone else also wanna pengS liao. sec 3s leh. and still argue. even if really i am wrong. it isn't rite to argue in the room isn't it? well. the point is i was rite.



so does my point sink it?



pple call that disrespect. if anyone of the ex-leaders were here. they wouldn't hesitate to slap u and tell u to get lost la. so simple somemore. somemore written in the score la. wth. and i can patiently explain nicely? and wad do u do? instead of apologising u damnit hell sae i saed de wrong thing. not one once lor. so thats ahhem. bearing responsibility and eing mature huh.










2005-01-25T06:00:00.001-08:00
arRgh. this is sick. after so long and so much work. all i can convince people is that im an arrogant, stuck-up bastard that failed to bring the band together. wow. so exciting. and why? cos ms koh chose the wrong person. chose the wrong arse to take the blame.



and im tired. i tried my best. i can only do so much. and i noe i can probably never heal or mend that rift between the two worlds. and why? haiS. cos of commitment. he's committed to different waes and things. and im not part of the equation.



is that really why?



if a majority saes that. maybe i should quit or smth. juz that its too late to make a difference. have i not done as i should? have i not done more? have i not been nice enough? have i not been able to justify my actions. have i not been able? im really sick and tired of this whole farce.



but do i stand justified?



on my side, how do i noe its really the intentions of all and not a scarce few? i am somewhat confused by it all. honestly. one side is pure wilfulness or smth. like making jokes outta everything and reluctance to hold things together properly. and be serious. on the other hand, its a facade for a different world. that i can't probably solve either. and my efforts to change that has hurt the rest of the band. and impacted too much on those who dun need the harshness or the words.



so jann wanna change the world?



no i dun think so. he wants to moderate it. somewhat in a different wae though. is that so hard to comprehend? which of course, my stubborn mind cannot comprehend. i grudgingly admit that he could do alot of good. w/o me interfereing of course. wad im really concerned and bitter about is... do i really know? i'll try to express.... hmmS. abit of jealousy and envy that he prob can do it but i can't. and that he could do a better job. of course, and also of like...wasting my time at this rubbish when a cooperation couold have done it so much better last ime. and none of this could have occured. den it would have been nicer and easier to solve.



so wads ur problem?



hmms. do i really know? im jus a mixture of bitterness, anger, confusion. and worse of it all. is that i show it to the band. and im ashamed of it. a petty side. a miserly side. a stubborn side.



so how u wanna change?



hmms. i dunnoe. make it different i guess. there is really no more long term thingy or wad. my short fuse gotta go. and gotta relax alot more. its really not so personal eh? make band exciting. discipline and respect still comes into play. so they need to noe when to be serious and not. and thats wad i intend to do. so ya. errm. maybe i'll concentrate on that. not on the problems which really can never be solved anymore.



any last words?

ya. juz that im sorry la. to the band. for not doing it well cos of my personal feelings and temper. this should have been under control and not flaring up every single time and wadever. these guys are not worth the trouble and everything. not worth neglcting the juniors for.




2005-01-25T06:00:00.000-08:00
arRgh. this is sick. after so long and so much work. all i can convince people is that im an arrogant, stuck-up bastard that failed to bring the band together. wow. so exciting. and why? cos ms koh chose the wrong person. chose the wrong arse to take the blame.



and im tired. i tried my best. i can only do so much. and i noe i can probably never heal or mend that rift between the two worlds. and why? haiS. cos of commitment. he's committed to different waes and things. and im not part of the equation.



is that really why?



if a majority saes that. maybe i should quit or smth. juz that its too late to make a difference. have i not done as i should? have i not done more? have i not been nice enough? have i not been able to justify my actions. have i not been able? im really sick and tired of this whole farce.



but do i stand justified?



on my side, how do i noe its really the intentions of all and not a scarce few? i am somewhat confused by it all. honestly. one side is pure wilfulness or smth. like making jokes outta everything and reluctance to hold things together properly. and be serious. on the other hand, its a facade for a different world. that i can't probably solve either. and my efforts to change that has hurt the rest of the band. and impacted too much on those who dun need the harshness or the words.



so jann wanna change the world?



no i dun think so. he wants to moderate it. somewhat in a different wae though. is that so hard to comprehend? which of course, my stubborn mind cannot comprehend. i grudgingly admit that he could do alot of good. w/o me interfereing of course. wad im really concerned and bitter about is... do i really know? i'll try to express.... hmmS. abit of jealousy and envy that he prob can do it but i can't. and that he could do a better job. of course, and also of like...wasting my time at this rubbish when a cooperation couold have done it so much better last ime. and none of this could have occured. den it would have been nicer and easier to solve.



so wads ur problem?



hmms. do i really know? im jus a mixture of bitterness, anger, confusion. and worse of it all. is that i show it to the band. and im ashamed of it. a petty side. a miserly side. a stubborn side.



so how u wanna change?



hmms. i dunnoe. make it different i guess. there is really no more long term thingy or wad. my short fuse gotta go. and gotta relax alot more. its really not so personal eh? make band exciting. discipline and respect still comes into play. so they need to noe when to be serious and not. and thats wad i intend to do. so ya. errm. maybe i'll concentrate on that. not on the problems which really can never be solved anymore.



any last words?

ya. juz that im sorry la. to the band. for not doing it well cos of my personal feelings and temper. this should have been under control and not flaring up every single time and wadever. these guys are not worth the trouble and everything. not worth neglcting the juniors for.




2005-01-22T11:46:00.000-08:00
hmms. been a long dae. had tution for bone this morning. penS. ms chong is so insistent on intonation with us la. but i think she gonna give up soon la. cos she lyk v. pekchek liao. haha.

"eh. no need ask u play rite? aiyah. jus play la. if not later people sae i pian xin or wad. den not good eh? *grins" -ms chong, while sectionals wif euphs and bones to me.



and wow. i screwed up. hit a wrong note and sharp notes. places where i planned to cresc and accents went wae off. oh well.



after tt went to prac etude or smth. aiyah. willscrew up tmr de la. den scales? wadde pengs lor. im so gonna die if they ask me to play anything more than 6flats or 3sharps.



errr. i dunnoe la. im screwing up everywhere and everything also. haha.



hmmS. went for fusion. as low key as ever. thats methodical waes i guess. and still stuck to tradition. no matter wad these guys sae. typical of all similar denominational churches. the youth sing hillsong. play hillsong. jump de same ae. saem toungues. same quiet stare. juz more controlled. oh well. thats the wesleyian faith i guess. but the message was clear, other than the analogy. hmmS.




2005-01-19T04:48:00.000-08:00
u noe and i noe that my blog is titled. living for God.



i was jus wondering if i have been. really. how much of our lives are really centred on fulfilling a God purpose? the recent tsunami is an example. really. forced charity and everything has forced me to become skeptical of all the charity hepl and stuff. idonesia is afraid of the christian organsiations and buddhists guys cos they are afriad these guys will try to convert them and not fulfilloing the prmary role of aid. is that really the goal of those christian organsiations? and it sounds true too.  have i been living a lie? hmmS. i mean, churches alwaes sae wad mission trips to help these people and they mix it up from helping these guys to spreading god's word. maybe it should have been more clear cut. i mean, wun it be hypocritical? it feel like as if u help them cos u wanna brainwash them will overwelming goodness. and then propograndise God. hmmS. it sounds really bad when u describe it this wae. but i can't really think of a wae and soluion that would work if its not like that. im really confused about all thi living for God thingy. haiS i dunnoe la.



i have to get it clear between propogranda and God. til then..



haiS. its over?




2005-01-15T19:52:00.000-08:00
-does he deserve our respect?-



lets jus sae u guys nvr gave me a chance to anywae. so wads there to sae? can't understand at all. everything i've been trying to do has been for the band and partially, to get u guys back. why else do u think i have been slacking the rules for so long? why do u think i nvr made it compulsory? and all u guys can sae and do is that i nvr gained ur respect. come on la. i am in the same batch as u guys. the kind fo respect i can't ever expect from u anywae. not that u want. u quit out on allof usand den u sae its my fault. wads that man. my fault ar. den the other one declined all de wae wad. im juz ur back up u noe. and u noe that wad. wad respecT? u quit comm, the other one ran awae from it all. and u ask me whether i deserve ur respect. go eat ur shit up ur face man. somemore all the unhappinness is caused from u lor. wad earlier wad i keep picking on u guys, den wad gj got no sae. crap. total crap.




a few daes ago entry...
2005-01-15T19:51:00.000-08:00
blahS. This is going crazy. Im too tired to think straight. Juz had a few smses to jann and im seriously on the anger mode too. But when I reflect on it. Why am I angry? He had his valid reasons for not being around wad. Juz like he had his valid reasons for not being a friend. Who am I to criticse? If I was thinking in areas other than band it would be highly likely that I would do the same too. He;s not around cos he has his studies in mind. Im here cos I want both to do well. Well, so wads there to complain about? Different people have different logic wad. Who am I to sae wad is correct or wrong?



But somehow, I can’t feel but feel demoralized. Can’t help but feel u noe, like betrayed or something. Months of a cold war or something. Juz cos they can’t accept us or juz cos they are not able to think as we are. When was it the last time I actually was good friends with jann or something? I dun deny that I treat him as a friend. And I hope he did. blahS. In fact I dun really noe wads the damn prob now or before. Well. I mean if he finds better company with them, well by all means go. Who wanna hang around with a bunch of losers anywaes? Its not like we do all the fun stuff that they have or something. And I should probably stop dwelling on it, its really killing me. Thinking about this on and off since the august of last year. Was it that long? I dun really rmb. Well, I guess friendship fades too, juz as memory does. Well, I guess I should try to forget too, this impossible situation.



Its time for a new start and new life. Less band, more studies. Less concerns for the band friendship and perhaps more on the class thing. Im really juz too concerned for band already, I lost my class, lost my friends from the past, lost her, lost God, lost parents, lost time. And I admit, I would have considered it to be worth my while if I did manage to get things going. But the point is that I did not. So yes, while I will not give up, I will take a lesser role and let things roll on. It should come out just fine. I hope.



She called ysterdae. Saed something vague about still remembering me and to be more concerned for my studies and try to slim down(!!!) it was kinda a short conversation, but I rmb it cos it was something that I was probably waiting for? hmmS. I dunnoe. Till time runs out(after Os) or till God answers? I dunnoe. God gimme strength.



Oh yes. And one last thing on my mind. Choosing and training understudies. Well. Looks like the band training camp(if it ever happens) will be solely run by myself. Again.



All that who are weary and burdened, seek the lord and he shalt offer unto you rest.




2005-01-05T06:49:00.000-08:00
hmms. 3/4 daes into sch ler. well. its been quite fun i think. fun? nahS. was jus joking. its really stressful. dt kena attacked liao. den eng is stress also. but the chers are kinda cool. yeah? though i kinda hate the wae she BRAGS about joel. blahs. thats ms yew. blahS.



well. some contreversy about mrs mah. well. to be hones she's a good teacher. overtly strict but yes, a nice teacher. as in good teacher la. but the wae she walks and talks kinda makes everyone laugh at her or smth. is that evil? hmms.



teo kb is still the same boring arse he's alwaes been. but with a new kick. we really CANNOT hear him. the class is really quiet and we still can't hear him. sadiq was straining like crazy and i was like.. huh? the class rm my be big but its kinda echoy or smth... hmms. and i cant rmb vectors at all. blahS. im juz gonna die.



lit is... ms tnag. wow. so INTErESTing. blaghS. i dunnoe wadda sae. hope we can live with her or smth. i tink mdm ng is really bossy and irritating. got on my nerves like twice already. one of these daes, might juz shout at her or smth. stupidly irritating. for apparently no reason at all. am i going crazy? well. who noes. it could be the shock of rejection. blahS.



band audition! well. be4 tat. we were fighting for time on the banners and stuff. only perc-ists and some volunteers i think. it was kinda tough. well. as for some other pple. juz diedie dun wanna listen to advice. i instinctly told them that it would tear if u dun reinforce it and everything. sand yeah. all u can do is bite back and me and not think. well. i ope i proven my point. wow. so interesting eh? =X



so anw. band audit was kinda lame. sec 1 s were pretty well at that i guess. was its repetitve? i dunnoe. well . i wun pretend that i was happy at that. the band was running off and everything. and wow. it was so interesting. u guys saed u will wake up and everything. well. did you? cos if u did. that was at the wrong time and wrong side of the bed.  doing the audit and neglecting the band? quite interesting isn't it? both of you. ok. pple sae i shouldn't be involved but do drill sonly. i did that. so why complain? im not supposed to run the band rmb? im supposed to be some blood thirsty idiot who scolds ppl for discipline and march pple to their deaths in drill sonly rite? why do i care? damnit.



42 band members? there were more. and i sadly had to let them go. but there were of course, considerations we had to take in other ccas? and instruments? 42 is still a large number. and if i could, i would take a 2 month probation. den sack those that are not orthy. the old waes. blahS. but i can't i guess. well. am i hoping for the best in this batch? ya i guess so. but some rumors i heard were that they are really soft. some even cried after 10 push-ups or smth. well i dunnoe. i'll settle that when the time comes.




2005-01-01T09:42:00.000-08:00
so thats wad others think. wow. so all i achieved for this yr is actually a compromise to work with me. now i noe why dey dun trust me. and why i dun trust my own batch. and naive enuff to believe that we, sec 3s, could work together to change the band the wae it is. and to think that there were people working against me. or vice versa. whichever fits.



i dun blame anyone. im juz sad that the sec 2 and 1 are draged into this world of politics so fast.




sec 1 orientation propogranda?
2005-01-01T06:54:00.000-08:00
well. isn't it kinda amazing how people FAIL to think wad they dd wrong or smth. do i really have to spell it out? well, its juz going to be ugly. on that dae that i do it.



looks like this is the method that im going to adopt liao. anything is going to go on a short period. anymore asking or wadever, deadlines dragging or wadever. we'll jus cancel it or let others do.



y? u might ask. well. jus too many chances are given. take the brasses for example, supposed to do banners but never got around to doing it. well, then u do the next best thing. do drills wif me. woodwinds should have done that too. 2 hrs and 1 design. oh and yes. i hate hypocritical people. they can come tell me they do so olong and wadever. some others have noticed that u oh so was having so much fun playing with oters. messing the place up or smth. so dun come complaining when u dun do anything.



no one ones to work hard for the drills. den jus forget it la. why bother doing something that no ones supports? i spent monts of work on it. if u dun value it, den too bad. my friend from another school(he wishes that it not be named) wanna use it. with the original slightly more complicated designs.



well. next to probably go is probably the student-initiated thingies. if no one attends, then the first thing to go is that. or the band room opening daes. if pple go but dun practicse, den why bother opening? well. if too mcuh things go, den we can jus boot out syf. well. my bass bone playing wun really be affected. i'll juz go back to tenor much earlier. nor my plans on taing the grade 5 thery exam this yr. i am after all, oog enough in my stuff to hold my own. well, close it down then.



back to sec 1 orientation. well. u guys never got around much to doinhg designs. skipped the sessions and everything. well. den dun do la. u had a chance to do it. and well. u finished ur chance and thats game over. thats really kinda reality.




2004-12-30T16:28:00.000-08:00
do i dare to sae anything? din go for band cos i think i blacked out. woke up @ 7+ had this really crazy headache and totalli no voice and muscles were all aching. managed to get up but dunnoe wad happened liao. woke up @ 10. sticky and sweaty. well uh. who perspires when u sleep man? still crazy headache. called daryl and came to sch.



once again. surprises of all surprises. they arent there. isn't it amazing? i already gave instructions that if we dun have drills, den u all still need to do the banners/posters rite? haiS. well. jan forgot also. dun think the sec 3 girls were even ard. i already gave clear words for them to stay until 12. even if drills ended at 1030. they still had to do the banners and posters wad. i wun't deny that its due to my own fault of not arriving that they left. but i wun defend jann either, cos he himself forgot.



this is really crazy. 4 daes. 4 hrs average sleep. and cos of wad? band. everydae i go to sch like i go to work. for no pay. i kill myself for no benefits. this is called interest and devotion. interest. my bone. do i even have time to play it lest practicse? and they can tell me that band slacking and everything. when they are slacking. one of these daes im really going to die of exhaustation and these guys will be happy and everything.



i dun have a committee to work with at all. sharon and jann aren't there when i need them. welfare? runs off asap. treasurer? devoted church member. publicity? bad on creativity and publicity. secretary? complains but comes late evey single prac. qms? sometimes here and not here. at least they are doing their job library? still ok. runs off with scores and pretend i dunnoe. forgets to keep scores.



so yes. if that answers the question of that idiot at the tagboard who has run awae and declined from giving his or her name. i am running the band full time. as i can and when i can, so tell me. wad would u propose me to do? i would oh so love to do drills only u noe. at least that wae i can concentrat on my bone and get my theory done and do the prac exams like i want to. not kill myself and no results done. its so tempting to follow ur suggestions u noe. but the prob is there isn't even anyone esle around. its nowe a student-initiated activity. if there are no other student leaders. and i juz concentrate on drills. u tell me where will we be going.



come on damnit. u dare to speak up den continue. i wanna see where ur reasoning will go. im not a closed mind. though i am stubborn. come and convince me. 



well. so am i supposed to give up like now? cos they have almost given up on me? i dunnoe. and im tired. jann hasn't given me a reply yet. i have yet to speak tpo sharon. nor the rest of the incumbent committee. well. i should consider taking understudies and leaving the sec 3s behind already. 




2004-12-29T06:46:00.000-08:00
u noe. its kinda surprising that i can hold my temper for so long u noe. haha. am i really changing? if it was somewhat in the recent past, the first thing i would do if i faced that kond of situation as i did today would be to shout at those arses.



one thing i hate most is people who dun fulfill their promises. people ard me should noe that. fulfillment of your promises to me, is so important that its quite as important a "requirement" for me to trust u and of course, failing which.. loses trust. savvy?



dun make empty promises and vows. if u can't do them. think long and hard before u jump head first into anything.



u noe. im kinda like. amused today. like, after so long, people are telling me not to give up and everything. i mean, i could and should. (as my detractors should be shouting fo joy or something... some pple in band might jus be waiting for that dae or smth. i dunno...) but as far as im concerned, i probably won't. at least not yet.



wad im actually afriad of, is for people who have the heart. im afraid they will give up. that u guys will give up. originally fortresses, the constant toll on u guys have weathered u guys so much that u sound weary and tired in wad u all do and sae. that disheartens me. alot more than my own state of mind. and its kinda painful.



~its not that some of them are not committed. some have the heart, the mind, the ideals. but, they lack the discipline to see it through. some act committed, but they already have lost that heart, that ideal that they once held close to their hearts. some are just too wweary to continue. they give up on that ideal and feel disillusioned by all the agendas that each have, and seek to get away from it all. ~




2004-12-28T08:13:00.000-08:00
now im annoyed.  these buggers on the tagboard really irritate me. who are they to comment on wad im doing? who are they to think they have a right to say wad am i doing?



they have that right. that authority. if they give their name. where they are from and why to give contstructive criticsms and open discussion with me. after all, if i needed this private i would have hidden it. however, i dun even publicise my own blog. its for me to rant on and on about it. so wadever u wanna comment on, its really up to you. i du ngive a damn. BUT. TO GIVE ME A DAMN SIMLEY FACE AND NOT GIVE YOUR NAME? AND TALK TO ME ABOUT THE BAND THAT I BELONG TO? u insult me. u insult dunman concert band. u insult the leaders that are with me. u insult us.



so well, i guess they expect something out of me right? im supposed to comment out of a nameless entity and pretend that its a high and mighty God ya? so yes, i will give a benefit to that disrespectful person(whoever u are, current band member, ex-band member, teacher, low-life scoundrel, insect who can work the keyboard, or wadever.)



the current guidelines that they tell me to be a drum major,

 is to enforce discipline, together with the teachers

- attendance records

- behaviour

- during band practices

- sectionals

is to conduct drills

- marching

- turning drills

- display drills

- precision



in additition to that, i take mainly brass sectionals too, sometimes woodwinds or percussion if there be a need. so i do some basic conducting. some interpretation for simple pop tunes and stuff. run through techniques and muscianship. (none of this is required of a dm. its because i am told to do it, therefore i do it. )



i do take a more serious interest in lower brass, because mainly i am part of them, and i want to to be a better section. when i can, i work with the euphoniums on notes, as my band director tells me to, sometimes on interpretation and technicalities. sometimes w/ tuba, as part of my brass sectionals routine. and because some are my friends, and what's the use of learning so much and not applying the knowledge? so i give suggestions on improving intonation and tounging and more, when i can, and they are not obliged to listen to me, after all, i am not "legally" qualified to give the best of instructions to them. i do have less experience than the paid tutors, yes. but i daresay that what i can give advice to, has its weight too. after all, what i learnt has been from tutors and materials from the pros.



i have generally learnt to avoid higher woodwinds due to bad experience(such as me as an upstart arrogant junior in my younger days telling all important seniors that they have been playing too loud, or problems about embouchure and tounging have met with agressive words and action. such as "u dun even noe how to play **** wad do u noe? " OR "jus shut up la, i dun need u to tell me lor." and secondly, both the band major and student conductors could know more than i ever could and would prove more valuble in such than i would.



as for events that i have tried to push forward, such as the lunchtime concert, w/ the help of others, or the forming of brass quintets, and other small ensembles, i quote the previous student conductor, rachel, who said something to the effect of,  "it benefits the group's playing in certain areas that would help in band playing. its something to be encouraged." she then told me to form my own group to play around with if i can(in general) to practicse with. so far, i hve not begun, but i hope that this is not something to undermine me and my post because it does not affect whatever u call, as deserting my post. since, it was long before i even though of being a leader, when i decided to improve my own music level and others in a group and having thoughts of different ways of music making. i hope that the post writer does not criticse me on having other supposed wordly thoughts that differ from DRILLS. that the commentator insists, is the only thing Dms. as a whole, should be doing. this is because, i regard myself as an amateur trombonist, or bass trombonist(a very amateur tormbonist) as much as i do, as Dm of dunman concert band.



other things, which may affect the tagboard comments that i have been straying away from my post was perhaps the involvement in publicity. in this i admit. i have been putting myself too much when it should be a Publicity job. but things haven't been moving fast. especially w/ many things which i have saed for a long time, but hasn't changed. i have pushed for it to move, because of my heart for band. if no one else would do it, then i will. i will gather people to help, and people to start the creative juices, even if my own isn't really on the same frequency as others.



or the apparent public image of myself? if apearring too much to do annoucements or wadever, i would glady move aside, if the rest of them would be willing to do it. i have tried to push for the bm to do it. but he appears unwilling.

i beg to differ about the leaders position. the bm does not need to be in control all teh time. none of us are supposed to be. maybe if u happened to be an ex band member, kevin probably did alot of public work, but the previous leader, mazlinah, was more of a sideliner, did the admin and stuff. din mean she din do anything? and so on and forth. some leaders are generally busier, with piano, meps, and stuff like that. thus they are not there when we need them, thus the need for subs. and. dms dun do drills ONLY. go ask any sec school dm. if they answer that we do drills only. they probably ain't one. we really aren't crazed idiots who force people to march around in the sun the whole dae. or maybe we do, but its not the only thing we do. its really either u dun belong to a abdn, or u seriously have a personal problem with me. do seek me out, if u are from dunman, and band especially, i would be glad to esplain my point again... or discuss with you the situation. and there are more complicated and complex situations that we have, that u would not understand, unless u are part of us (if u are, then iu mreally disappointed. )



i put my heart and soul into band. naturally, i would come on more strongly than one without. is that something wrong? is that a crime by itself? if it is, then let the band decide. if the bnd feels i should only be doingdrills, then i will. if the band thinks u are nonsense, then u are. the day that i will be a dm doing drills, is when the band thinks so.

when ms chong, ms koh, mr lim, mrs koh, mdm faridah, ms cheong, jann lim... tell me that i have overstepped the boundaries that they have told me.

(of course, given that they are the ones that gave me the guidelines, and assuming i din overstep them, they really would be hypocrites themselves wouldn't they?)




blessed be the lord, fight on, if u will
2004-12-17T06:38:00.000-08:00
hmm. is this the time for me to sae.... "i've done my best and i have no regrets?"



come to think of it. i have no regrets of it all. i can still remember my defiant sec 1/2 daes. i still rmb wad i saed and i will not forget. my own words... blahS. if i had the "courage" to speak up then, even if i din really think... well. its still true. and part of the mess is really ur fault. and im still harping on it. i still believe f i had the same factors that i could count on, there still are people who can do ao better job.

but...

there can be NO COMPARISION. NOT NOW, NOT EVER.



im really. stil the same person that i was. the same determination that i can give i have. but the results stay the same. people have told me that i have done all i can and i can do no more. all that i can count on is the mindsets of the future generation. people tell me that if i have failed, i failed a long time ago, and there is no more to fight for. no more.



so wad am i supposed to do and sae? back off and give up. tell myself that i have done my all and thats enuff. ok.... i could do that. but it would mean giving up wad i sought to represent. am i willing? i dunnoe. i dun really noe.



or like wad others sae, i could continue to fight on, against unbeatable odds. the incumbent lot that i belong to, the defiant lot, and the impressionables. wad can i really do? hope to conquer the last few and hopefulli salvage wad i can. lose my sanity along the wae, friends, life, academics, God. turn cynical and everything.



and for wad? for this band that i belong to. some would sae that im throwing awae myself. hopeless cause they sae. i dun deny it. there is so much more that i can do with all this energy, time and things that i can do. why bother? i dun really noe. maybe im exxagerating and everythign. but i serisly doubt anyone can understand wad im really going thru over and over. its not like i dun have the problems that every person has. friends, special people, family, money, academics, class, church, God... so many things that i can do. but im stuck ehre with a paddle. cos i wun go and give up and tell people that its hopeless or i have done my bst and i have no regrets. cos im still alive. im still alive to tell them, that u have not won, and i am sure, that i can continue and do wad i can. even if its really, of not much use.




2004-12-12T07:14:00.000-08:00
still can't really got over the fact that we made the decision. 

to be honest. its really something that i din dare make. and i wouldn't, had i hesitated a sec more. den again, its God's will isn't it? and she felt that too. wad more do i do? 



follow and see. give ur life, entrust it in the hands of God. 



easier said than done. yea? we juz naturally struggle wif God over ownership. we have to learnt o give up. and serve God wholeheartedly and soully and wadever... 



todae had cg be4 py. haha. alvin not here, in aussie land. we kinda evil la. haha

got james as over takeover. kinda nice too. hahaS. hmmS. totful. 



saw her. outside church.

juz a simple wave and smile. some reassurance and some... sense of weakness or wadever la. dunnoe wad to sae. blahS. God gimme strength!



py prac agn. why bones everytime kena stupi comments de... i noe my sightreading not Good la. but still, purposely wan lor... already noe we 3 pple share one score still muz sae so many thingys... blahs. 



gonna buy new phone liao.... should e the siemens thingy... ahhaah


2004-12-09T22:37:00.000-08:00
blahs. jus came back. im touched by the lord! really touched. the manifestation of the lord was somehow so powerful that everyone was like feeling it too. and i realised that actually, this is jus the first sentence of a infinite number book.



realised this fact, when my own "knowledge" got tested. someone talked to me abt God during this time. went thru the bible much. realised much i din noe. and everything. blahs. need to noe more. not jus the head knowledge but more of you.



touch something close to my heart too. during qt on dae 2, God somehow spoke to me i think. abt her. was it advice? i dunnoe. it went something like "the time will come if u would wait."

was jus praying abt thihngs den went thru one by one....den went the prayer direction went to her the word jus flooded in or smth. so i called her back in the room bahs. somehow she got a similar message too. jus diff waes. od really works miracles too. i tot when i told her it would be another kinda fite thingy going on. so i prayed hard. budden it was not. we both accepted it and obeyed God's word. she cried i think. den went calm abd everything, so i guess its alrite. since...its not really the end. its jus waiting. serving God first. not being rash and everything. and maybe its true also. everyone ard me been saeing wad we not mature to handle r'ships. broken hearts and tears... maybe its jus discipline and of course, trhe right mindset and maturity to have a close r'shi[ with someone maybe u will be the rest of ur life. we haf the rite mindset, but do we have the maturity and discipline? and i think thats wad God wanna tell me too. friends now i guess. r'ships? me and her, we'll leave it to God to decide if we are rite for one another.

i'll wait... will you?






2004-12-04T17:00:00.000-08:00
blahs. the band workshop has ended. in a wae, it was fun i think? but i guess it was wae tiring for me. haha. being the only person running ard and getting things is really bogging me down. maybe i should consider teaching someone else the display stuff. den at least im not the only one cheoreopraghing the entire thingy... blahs...den agn, who noes whether it will ever be aired or displayed? haiS. in a wae, this is also my biggest work in 4 yrs. actually sloging over it 6 daes, 3 amendments... 10-230 each time. haha. dun seem so much rite? but when u calculate the amt of time figuring it out over your head for a 40 odd contingent and the music whoich u dun have beside u... and + the things i have to do during the dae camp.... blahS.



wheres my err...fellow camp coordinator?!?!? disappears halfwae wor... if im nt wrong he appeared n the last dae. wow. so amazing. blahs. im really tired out. slept ystd after i settled my stuff. ard 9+?



pple been skipping band and everything. in a wae, i have this teptation to do so also. my morale is kinda low u noe too. pple juz dun wanna do it properly. and somehow i alwaes tend to hear those negative stuff. by those same few pple again. den those "seniors" also. all the negative talk. and my own batch. blahS. we need an atitude adjustment. nvm. we still have time



hmmS. i need to learn to control my temper. if got arguement or anything must go out and talk. den pple seem like shouting, mus ren. if tey are shouting, also muz ren. ren until cannot liao. sae gimme 1 min. take deep breaths. if still cannot, call a person come help u. DUN GET ANGRY DEN START SHOUTING. NAT ARRHZ.  bleah. even if the person happens to really irritate u at that moment, pretend and have that mindset that its ur gf or smth... and shouting will bring more problems... be nice and happy. thats it. nat the friendly dm. whooots! blahs.




2004-12-02T05:09:00.000-08:00
haiS. again. i made u sad. again i made u angry. again and again. sometimes we all need to noe wad we really need to do. to care for and to set our priorities. somethings...juz need more time. some less. but never ever neglect things that are precious ard you.



haiS.




2004-12-01T04:31:00.000-08:00
heys. im back for awhile...haha.



now band camp ler. whoo hoo! nahhS. its a pathethic excuse for a "non-residential day band training workshop"

wow. thats so wonderful. im supposed to work miracles and everyone gets bonded so easily. everyone suddenly.SUDDENLY becomes the GOLD BAND. wow. amazing. hurhur.



so im sacrastic and everything. dun mind me. its truee afterall. 8-5 is err... a slightly extended band practice dae in the older years.



so im comparing againn... over and over. i should think ofthe new. this is the new band. new world. new teachers. start again from the top. no more comparing and everything. begin everything new. all the faults that i made in the past month. will try to change as i can.



suddenly i feel the same wae as i did a few mths ago during the whole leader selection thingy... to juz walk awe rom it all. leaving it in others hands to do and everythig. still committed to band. but in a different position. be wif the pple ard me. having more personal time. less of those political stuff that seems to revolve all ard band and everything. (do i have to explain again that band has ALWAES been political?)

so ya. its really getting more and more difficult really. things like running the band on our own power and everything. to be honest. our band is not MATURe enuff to do that. maybe its a school thing u noe. i wonder if independent school bands have these type of problems also.



so go look at bernards guidelines for student leaders. it saes one that ASSISTS teachers in the running of the cca. its abit u noe... ******** to sae. but ya. i have this feeling that its abit... too much.



maybe im juz a strong believer of maturity in students. allowing them the freedom to think allows them to grow. allows people to bring forward their enrgy. not cooped up and everything. take hps for example. the more u dun want peopole to bring hps. everyone brings it. den theft? it happens everywhere la. hps or not. might as well sae everythign use the school de. den no theft rite? easy. its really wad u restrict people to do that ma. can see the difference and things that happens ard u. of course, nth is perfect. there will be exceptions of people that will not think in the same wae as others. and thats the point. giving them freedom to choose and decide for themselves. isn't that wad schools are for? equipping the leaders of tommorrow skills that they will need to survie in the real world. so u won't face theft outside? u won't be beaten up outside for being such a loudmouth? u won't face office politics? u won't face things such as diplomacy plays a big part? those are things that u have to consider towards running a nation. education or not. mr tharman sharmuwadever. not some SAP SCHOOLS PROGRAMMES THAT TRAINS THE WAD? OH. CHINESE IDIOTS IN COMMUNICATING WITH WAD? CHINESE IDIOTS TO CHEAT THEM OF THEIR FREAKIN MONEY. oh im so sorry. im juz delusioned by all the CHINESE CRAP. oh please. yes its our native language and everything. yes its important. i dun hate chinese. i hate how u all are using the language as though its juz a TOOL TO CHEAT THE MONEY OUT OF THOSE CHINESE IDIOTS. wad is the world coming to todae anw? using the CULTURAL HISTORY OF THE CHINESE to do wad? CHANGE THE OPINION OF WEAKMINDED SAP SCHOOL HINESE IDIOTS TO MAKE THEM BELIEVE IN WAD THEY ARE LEARNING. when all the country wants. its the big buck they get out of the CHINESE IDIOTS. lok at the news todae. u'll realise so manythings ar done to get it to the chinese favour. bashing the taiwan political agenda. tryign to get on good terms with that chinese chicken seller or smth. so tell me about the cultural history of the chinese again. wads that gotta do with cheating the money of chinese? thats the ingenuity of the singaporean education system and government.








2004-12-01T04:26:00.000-08:00
Haha. Long time nvr update liao. Dunno why. Actually I noe wh la. Cos my comp siao lio. But ot formatting yet. Haha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ONE OF MY OLDER POSTS>>>

So anw. Since im here. Means I have something to rant at.

I never realized that people done things for my own good. Not until its too late to do anything. Or wadever. From parents to friends, to total strangers.

And the same wae, I try to do the same too, but somehow I alwaes get HINDERED by my own selfish nature. That I can’t seem to complete the things I set out to do. Manythings I did , it benefited others and credited to them. Never argued much about it. But when they start boasting about their “achievements” I have his urge that I should u noe…. Remind them that hey, there were people behind u. and it often sounds that bitter pride in me Is turning nasty. I mean, its true that I did it. No questions about that. But since I accepted the fact that I given credit to them, shouldn’t I be happy? HmmS. I guess this is part of human nature too. Jealousy.

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And some which I decided to censor….

Abt chers and band…

And morechers and band.

And proposals and band

And more pple and band/….

Lalala..

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ehhs. im very confused.

wad happens bleah. when u noe that u did something wrong... but admitting to it, means hurting more people? esp someone u have grown to love? or care for? haiSi really dunnoe. very blur nowadaes.

and short tempered too.

bleah.

band was really sucky on sat. dun sae i din try being nice. i did try. but it got on my nerves man. no one ever told me there were tutors coming. sectionals was not very good. those with tutors and those w/o. haiS. im not sure manZ. this is gettign on my nerves. maybe i should juz forget about all this and get a job. this is def. harder than working. and i dun get paid. bleagh. and bear all the shit too.

drills? no ones serious. some were worse than others. under the hot sun? so wads the diff between that and going out? toots*. sometimes people dun think when they speak. wow. u have been working so hard and i've been slacking wor. its easier commanding than doing the drills wor. wow. why dun u try commanding a squad which don't move don't respond dun even look like a bunch of pple doing drills. in front of ncc spec people. wow. its not about my face u noe. its about the band's. i wish i could get everyone to improve and prove those idiots wrong. in all aspects. but hey. i can't.

im juz a failure ba. who am i to think that i could do wad others can't? maybe they are right. im juz too idealistic and optimistic ba. should juz stick to wad they "believe" us to be. can still rmb our syf dae last yr. this 2 idiots.

A:"wad u think band will get ar?"

B:"dunnoe leh... choir got gold rite?"

A:"ya...but i think hor...band will get silver again la"

B: "haha, ya lor... where got so tyco de rite? choir no standard, band also no standard. one tyco, where got 2 tyco de?"

in the toilet next to the hallsomemore. haiS. i told them that we will prove them wrong. we din.

after syf, i told some seniors and in my old blog that the preparations sould start asap. if musical stanards were to improve. no one took me seriously i guess. many s2 quit. Negligence. All they could care for was some pitiful concert that was a flip flop. An exchange for wad? A bit of fun? Not even pride I might sae. Even ny tot that “a simple and homely band” was praise for us. they complained their standard not good. we had the chance then. but we din take advantage of it. maybe it was too early, i told myself. ……

END-

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AND THOSE ABT CHOIR….

HEH. I NOE GOT A FEW PPLE WHO MAY FEEL SENSITIVE AT THIS PART OF THE POST U NOE. ……………………………….

I dunnoe wad is a band anymore. Other bands can take responsibility so well that maybe most or all of them should be the ones at nco camp. Players? Consistent playing. Bad? They work around it. And dmnband. Wow. Overly hyped and overly sensational. Wow. Really? Pple sae we sound like a gold band. Wow. Is that praise or praise with an ulterior motive? I hate to put down our sprits u noe. But gold standard? Dun make me puke. Barely bronze, if I were a judge.

Discipline, determination, talent, externa;l support.

Disicpline? Dun think we can even make it. Its really hard to try to reverse a tradition of fooling around already. Its harder to make them realise, that seniors laid down a clear line between fun and band practice. I dunnoe when to start. Oh well.

So should we emulate choir? Choir has almost perfect attendance. I won’t mind putting that down as part of our rulebook u noe. After all, its another method of controlling the attendance. Its not really a bad thign u noe. They love choir. Even with the stringent rule. It juz shows that wad makes and creates the passion is not lax and fun. Its juz the idea in your head. Yes, from the outside, when u stand in ur view, obviously it feels tyrannical and fake. But from the inside, u realise a bulk of them dun really mind that, and they know wad the motive is, after all, to make things well. And so wad is our motive, our goal? The same kind of disicpline with an interruption every few seconds. It just makes it irritating for us. Fun, yes, I agree. But its really not productive u noe.

If I have to, I will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And todaes post. Haha.

Oh well. Mahler 7th was great I think. Haha. I realise once again that friends are not to be trusted. People u find irritating, u can’t really change the impression of them again. No matter how hard u try. Its juz difficult. Insensitive people tend to be good friends. Totally oblivious to their surroundings, they can go on forever. It gets seriously insulting u noe. People saying some not so kind things about you and your personal matters, which shouldn’t even been spread about at all. And dun realise that people are getting annoyed. And expect u to laugh with it. Wow. U are making continous jokes about me and my personal matters and im expected to laugh all dae with you. Ok. So I did it for awhile, to not make matters bad. And wad did u 2 do? Continue on and on. Hate that. Oh well. Insensitive and insulting. it’s the “I” personality isn’t it?

Fwp was okae I think. Maybe its costhe seniors expected too much. Haha. Disorganized and fractured? Haha. I dunno. Maybe its juz me and everything. I mean, not to sae anything about it and all. But like if everyone came at different timings, its really hard to get anyone to do anything isn’t it? And games o be honest., I observed them really hard and I realized that they take a pride in wad they do. For instance, I argued with adeline over the validity of the games and it was this forcefulness that u noe, fueled that realiszation that they put in too much of their effort to it already. Oh yes. Back to disorganisation, well, it SOMEHOW appeared to me that QUITE MANY SECONDARY 4s were UNWILLING to play the games u noe. Okay. So were some SEC 3s. MY OWN BATCH which I have some rants for later. Haha. I dunno. But I think the sec 2s managed to run it quite well I think. Given the DIFFICULT AND FRAGILE nature of the party. Haha. Ok. So maybe im overeacting. Haha. Especially over PEOPLE WHO DUN PAY MONEY. I dunno la. (ok. I never really ran up to this err… saying… form the seniors to themselves… that they were “the golden age of the band” , and thus, given that favorable respite, somehow have a more… uncontrolled restraint towards their….comments. So dun mind me. At least im being honest and not saying “wad a wonderful batch of seniors they are and u noe, tot me so many good thigns and were oh so amazing did SO MANY THINGS(yeah I agree, though not all beneficial) for us.” swoons. Nah. Im going to be honest and sae they were more like every other batch. Filled with the same quarrels. Clique problems. (more serious than others if I recall. Some spats. Same problems like all others. Same “good” players same eccentrics. So im not going to OVERYPE THEIR… GODLINESS like other more…susceptible people who had words whisper in their ears that “after this batch goes, u all die ler” ….or… ‘u must help the band to grow u noe, haiZ, I think the next few will have no hope le. “ or “wad do u think our band will get for syf in 2005 leh? Honestly, do u think we can get gold MEH? If WE THIS BATCH CANNOT GET GOLD. WAD DO U EXPECT THE OTHER batch to do?” )

Actually, the golden age of the band DID happen I guess. A small one. Pretty small to be honest and unremarkable one also. And why? Hah. I was not the people. Nope. Nada. they were the same throughout the generations. Déjà vu all over again. It was who didthe things that changed. ms chua, ms tew or smth, other chers that were named. Some pretty well nown band leaders I think. Everyone saed benjin, haha….but I think it was a more teacher influenced reputation than anyone tot. and of course, some turned the tide too. From competing with choir, to catching up with coir. Haha. Oh well. I guess it was alwaes this wae too. 2002-2004 bah. I guess. It pretty well settled I guess.

As for THIS BATCH. Lets juz sae we were misfortunate. We were under manned. We were struck down. By a lot of things I guess. Moe cut the funding. Choir got gold. Principal got less choices. Teachers. More shambles (again, debited by the previous leaders than anyone could think, not juz the Kevin batch of course, it went from further tan that)

Ms chong asked me.or phrased it in such a wae. “do u want to be the leader that the band fell from? Of course, everyone knows who and what really happened. “ and of course, the outlying meaning meant….that because I happened to be visible, in more ways than one., people still tend to remember student leaders a lot more than teachers. It meant that the bad news went to me. Good news dun get passed down anywae. In time to come, I may be known as the leader who brought down band, cos he was ineffectual and lousy. No one would remember my struggles, wad I fought for. Wad I tried to do. Wad I managed to achieve. Who really brought it down. The leaders that contributed to this mess. The changing generation. I would be remembered for the negativity. And nothing of the good. But now, I think the main affecting factor for myself, would be the self-consciousness factor. Would I be held captive by myself? As long as I know that wad I did is good and all I can do. Then its not my fault. In any other band I would have done well. Even if there were no results to show for it. Its juz me that would account for ME. So why bother? Haha. 






2004-11-11T07:20:00.000-08:00
bleah. can;t update. dunnoe why. wrote a few entries on note pad. sddenly decided i shouldn't post them. perhaps...too offensive... some too mushy... some too.. hmms. i dunnoe la.



juzwanna sae that i miss u ba. hmmS. is there something more that i should sae? haiS. hurt u too much ler. cant count. err... but ya.



will update as i can lorS...haha.. still find this a lil troublesome. erhurhur...




2004-10-24T18:33:00.000-07:00
hmmmS. dun reallly know wad is there to do actually....

so many things are not going to detail. sometimes its really difficult to handle it like that. arrgh.

esp when... haiS. i dunnoe.



oh wells. this is life isn't it? life isn't easy. easy and u lose purpose. easy and u face no direction in life. this is life as we want to know. but it never could be. cos if that happens, itsnot really life as u know it anymore. its a fairytale.



so life has to be some level of difficulty. to acheive wad u will do and want to do. this is God's will. amen.



trial and obstacles u have to face. difficulies and manner of tests u will face. isn't that prolly to soemthing someone has to do? hmmS...



~~~~~~~~~~~~

ystd went out wif my parents to tm. ...haha... bot some clothers. err....abit...hmmS la. but nvm. got can le. saw quite alot of people. think i saw febrina (s1 band?) at the gb house. angela at the hp shop. and alot of others which i cant really rmb. den after tht went pige' house. talked abt results ba..hais. really sad lorrs. work hard get same result. never work hard also get same results. this school is somewhat stressed out ba. i prob failed 4 ba. really really bad. got abit emotional i guess. hmms. fell asleeip. haha. woke up ard  10-11 liddat...haha.. got warm ta. so cool! err...like wrong adjective use. den callled jkong. so he gave me jann wrong no. lor. no wonder cannot call thru. arRgh. so called ba. hmms. the park was nice. esp in de nyte. got this windy feeling and everything. went home den sleep ler. like stone liddat. haiS. surprisingly woke up todae v.v..v early leh. 6 wake up liao...haha. now stoning also ba. hmmS.




2004-10-22T07:01:00.000-07:00
hmmS. updating on de leadership convention ba...huhur. it was cool yea i admit. mr bernard really sounds...different there. he sounded like a real trainer. bernard cliched style, but not him. wonder if the other chers from other schools were doing the same thing too. hmmS. makes u wonder which is bernard's real character u noe. hurhur.



anw. learnt quite alot from the convention. din like some pple in the convention. urRgh. some re really. urRgh. there was some pple from changkat chani that really...pissed quite a few of us off. dun really think they could become prefects or something, were i part of a selection process. but the truth is, i am not. thus, i can but retain the control of myself and my own athority? oh well. he IS irritating. 



found out that jessica khek of the council- president really eats alot. truthfully. even if i am twice the size and weight, she really eats alot. take the 2nd dae break for instance, me and marwin saw he tarts and wanted to reach it first...we waited....camped ard and snatched 3 or 4... we tot we were beign greedy and queued again to allow people a chance first.....we saw jess....pigged out on everything man....woah. we got there. everything was gone ler..... and satays an everything gone. woah. people in this convention sure have big apeities man...

and testinmonials of jessica's eating habits can also be found through the confirmation of the rest of our words. after the sessions, somehow we alwaes went to the washrm first...after we wentback..we ALWAES saw jessica with a plate of mountainous food. gets u thinking doesn't it? maybew food doesn't really make u fat. arRgh. 



servant leadership.

situational leadership.

conflict management.

event organisation,emregency and planned.

public speaking

problem solving

decision making...

and alot more that i probably cant rmb on hand...it was really cool



though it wasn't really a "holidiay fun trip' u could feel the hmmm.... different when u lef the place. haha. sleep sia. that was all i tot we should have done.



oh well. the crunch time. even if everyone agrees that everyone did bad... u still

feel the pain.




2004-10-19T01:13:00.000-07:00
got thru most of the exams already. think i left half my life there on the line. really worried. really really really really worried. i mean, i did do my work and everything, but its kinda hard u noe, de papers.... 



some like physics.... its juz...urRgh. i could do the questions and everything. but somehow the answers felt like im bullshitting my sec 2 lit paper or something liddat. like last time, juz that i could score last time and not now. haiZ. beeg difference...

mt- dead. 

eng- hoping for a b3 at least..

humanities- something tells me.. haiS. juz hope can pass. considering the work i put in...

math ppr 1- urGh. its easy i noe. but its juz irrelavant. 1-15 algebra? sec 2 stuff to boot. 

lit- i was okae with it. but mdm wee? doubt so. "good answers nathaniel, but too short." OR "i dun agree with you, there are relavant points but i think that mine are better" and she fails me for that. arRRgh.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

!18TH OCTOBER UPDATE.

left chem for tmrw, dt and math on mondae le. juz hoping. that i can do well and make it to sec 4 exp ya? 



oh yah. decided to follow somone's invaluable advice.."nat ar, u noe the problem with you is that u are too afraid to try. and even if you did, u do it half-heartedly, cos u keep thinking that u will fail. thats your failure and weakness...and of course, your horrible temper la.." well uhh...almost took offence at that.. hmms. maybe.... 



so anyway, i wanted to prove that someone wrong. juz for the sake of proving myself to...myself and the view that i would work hard.... would help improve myself? haha.. 

yah.. see how first... before i take steps to it...

pros and CONS.

pros:

1] free trombone tuition(its v. impt. since i could never afford this on my own much)

2] organization to learn from, gd conductors, and all.

3] the fellow pple. i mean, they are pros, so thats where learning can take place also..

4] pride and glory? (ok. this is negative. cos it means playing well. andits not like i can.. hurhur...)



CONS: 

1] stress level

2] humility and the degradation form others

3] strings... arRgh. =X

4] school? =(



but oh well. juz trying wad. but noeing myself, i could never take a blow lightly. so i better work hard, den see de results ya? hmm...



!18TH OCTOBER UPDATE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ur hurhur. why am i here? i'll ask myself. its after exams after all. i should be ou partying before i go to my grave. but unfortunately. im here cos of unrelieable friends. oh well. its the story of my life (dun belive? go read up on it.)



ah well... 

lets skip jann for a moment of ranting...



and matt....hoo boi..



ah well. jkong kia. sae wait for me AFter class eh. got plans and all arrh. wanna go ki siao arRRhz. disappeared into thin air after my leadership meeting wif bernard. oh yes. asked jann they all rite. "see how" is an obvious sign isn't it? at least i should noe. wif them, see how is juz another wae of saeing... "if i really really got nothing better to do, ya, i'll go wif you."



so left school wih jkoh and CO. well, he saed he wanted to go out and have fun. "jus u and me @ central" yadayada... den alvin joined us...saed he wanna go out also.. so we all agreed ard 3+...koh calls... oh well. they promptly disappeared. lemme guss, they went playing bball and forgot the time. oh well. 



ger leh... also chao. sae hao le this week go watch show de. last nyte... "eh...sorry leh. the gals wanted me to go wif them...sorry arrrhx..." wadde...



i am so bored. so ps-ed. that im tired. that im sick of this. arRgh. 

 so i guess i can type about my exam prediction eh?



im SO DEAD. 

design and tech paper was standard mr lee. but i have this uncanny feeling that i wun do well for it. due to my NO STUDYING weekend. ah well. another dae in my life. 



chem paper was okae. but i know, i wun do well. do to some unknown reason. hurhur. 



todaes mcq was really okae. i could do everything. but somehow, i noe careless mistakes in calculatios will be my down fall. 



math? oh forget it. if i ever pass that itll be a miracle. 



lit... really depends on mdm wee u noe. sometimes she claims im good. sometimes she insists i write bad. ah well. who cares so much. 



eng= should e a pass. 



mt= oh pooh. 70 percent of the level failed the floating teacher's exam paper. 



so anywaes. im so dead. haha. haha. hah. ha. h. 



arRgh. i think i give up on the notion that alvin or jkoh will call already. arRrgh. and i was hoping to go out todae. arRgh. ah ger!!! arRgh. 



and to jlimJ 

wheres your promise of friendship?

haiX. i dun think im gonna care much more already. 

since all there is/was, has come to past after such a fultile effort. 

we're back to square one aren't we? sec 2 status again, one big round in a year. whoo!


2004-10-08T19:19:00.000-07:00
ystd never go math rem...wonder wad de others sae... haiS.

not like i din wanna go...was cos i couldn't rush back in time...

den not like can juz run off liddat mah... hai.S.

feel abit guilty maybe? cos like mr tan encourage me alot lor..

den alot of math stuff he teach de...

the fact is that im still very lan...

but i can sae its better than when ms lim teach lor..

wanna pass math..

wanna break the cycle...



mt exam ystd also..

stupid.stupidstupid.

couldn't answer sia..

i really shocked.

tot de school would piy us or smth.

his is crazy man

not lik eng was easy...but stiull doable...

mt was...woah!

considering my standard and de paper..

im juz gonna die.



geog and ss better not go crazy...or im gonna die also..

lit... should be de same cliched stuff..mdm wee wad...wad u expect..

math.. i already noe its gonna be tough..my standard or not..

paper 2 mr tan set somemoe... i think he tried to hint la..

but however obvious...de qns are s odiff...wad de use...

dT is mr lee style.. so hahahS....



wellwellwell.

are we condemned to this vicious cycle of doom?



matt wasn't doing so well.

sometimes. i almost pity him.

i try to empathise... but i realise its juz not the same

still trying to help and everything..

but if he doesn;t wake up to reality..

doesn't wake up to anything... im seriously afriad.

so wad if music is his passion and everything?

this is still acedemics.

when u choose dunman sec, u choose acedemics already.

wds dere to sae? haiS.

singapore is de place where qualifications hold much too many importance ard.

but that not the pt at all for us. anyhwere u go...u dun even have a general qualification such as ur Os... no Ns... no nothing.... den forget it.

thats world culture...

nope dun bet on it.

talked to this guy online. he was a student of eastman school of music. trumpet de.

he graduated masters in trumpet performance. top honors class

now? he's looking for a job at the supermarket, with his high school diploma.

plays at the jazz club , church and community ochestra. gets 250 for a gig divided by 4.

church and community club  is kinda volunteer?

2 jobs in singapore... one requiring a uni degree..

VS

300 possible jobs in singapore... if u go the normal route.

so?




update
2004-10-06T05:26:00.000-07:00
now no family at home... haha... studying some chem stuff... now slacking la... if not how can use comp?



haha.. actually partially is cos that pigeon thats supposed to watch over me feel asleep...haha... den i dunnoe how to do...den slack lor.. =P



muz study chinese le... maybe i should juz forgo chinese and study de rest... haha... v. stressed lehj.. chinese... hmmS. ...



u noe smth? when a person is asleep, they often radiate the calm and peacefulness that benig awake cannot give. juz still...lying there... heart beating..but unconscious and..calm. its juz a different sort of peace... under lit, i learnt that death is also a form of peace....but somehow, that comes to me as a peace thats not... peaceful? like... unless its a natural death..hmmS...dunnoe la..



life is about treasuring the pple ard you.. caring for them... being there for them. looking back, i wonder if i had done that. i can only say that i din really do that. now knowing that, i sort of regret that... but am grateful that i realised that too.. haha...ok...wad am i saeing? =S aiyah...anw, i think she waking liao.. better run first... and pretend ive been doing my work... =D










2004-10-05T06:35:00.000-07:00
ok lets talk about teenage moodswings. =X

well. its juz this age where u go in to a state of swings like a pendulum. sometimes, theres this force that juz swings u ard like crazy. u hit sadness, den happiness, den jealousy, den rage, den nothing. juz nothing. den that vicious cycle continues. wonder if there is a life to that. teenage years are often one of lifes best. if teens dun really have so many swing problems. get the pun? =D



and puberty. enuff about the gal part of things like pms. guys pms too. fine. not that way. its that moodswing thingy. and worst of all. its not like its once amonth. guys also tend to talk dirty. its part of a lifestyle. for some others, u juz have to learn he talk to get it in with the crowd. for some others, its juz more learning. for myself, its adapting to circumstance. dfun get me wrong. guys are not these shallow creatures who juz flounder around looking at girls butt and chests or something. at least not my classmates. they think. they estimate. they anlayse. and soem of the time they decide to go on about talk with religions. llike today, which give me a better insight of them, that maybe they are not as shallow as i tot. errr.....so i change slightly about my thinking... haha. but not learnt. juz interested. not learnt. well, many insights into life. malay guys my age tend to revole around 1] hobby. 2] girls. 3] friends 4] studies(if they cannot avoid). chinese guys? 1] girls/comic books (depending on maturity) 2] hobby 3] friends/cca 4] playing 5] studies and the rare few... 1] God 2] friends 3] friends 4] studies 5] hobby



well so anyway. im really tired out by myself. haha. well. not been studying yeah? need help with science and math... chinese is memorising... haha.. well.. gtg








2004-10-04T05:54:00.000-07:00
i never know if im reall yjuz a person. or many more of me. => some line i got from a guy named meng zi! haha. ok. so thats a chinese. and he din really sae that. he was talking about a dream, wether he was a butterfly or a human, in dream or reality? its an idealology that tends to boggle the mind alot. if a wonder why i even begin to ponder over this.



okies. let me talk about my relationship wif God..  (again.)  so anyway, its been an eventful journey for myself, in my spiritual walk with God and i want to thank God for all that is around me. really grateful for so much that the Lord has Shown favour for so Long. in the rain or shine. never fails. it is often i that fail to realise that fact. that truth that He is always here. had some problems wif myself an occasion ago. or rather, with others. there was this time i skipped church for kinda long time. as in my own church ya. went back. they switched to santuary le. still dun like some pple. still dun like where i am. still dun like this and that. but God told me," dislike is one matter. loving your neighbours is my command. " thinking about that... it juz hit me that... was wad I really want have to do with wad God wants? disliking the pple im with doesn't mean a thing really. u can dislike and still show love and concern for the person beside you. not throug or own power. belive me, it doesn't work out that way. its cos God's in you that makes it that way. and dun get me wrong again... setting your heart at work means getting that devil away from you. and that means seeing a person in a new light. not one ofprejudice and dark eyes. God makes it bearable, den possible.. its been a long time since i could seriously worship God with all my heart. i alwaes held back in other churches cos i had this feeling that its "others" church and u juz dun feel connected wif any one. everyonehas their own friends... its that same wae too... even though i may sae i dislike my own church...can still feel that sense of belonging.. when u walk de steps to the sanctuary. its juz...different. want to get back that feeling too.



din manage to talk much this week. think cos have many problems to solve and abit busy. she wasn't really hmms.. talkative also. in a wae...i had that bullet shot thru my heart too? haiS. nvr noe. im juz not good at this. got alot of probs i want to sae...but i nvr sae them. cos i noe my own hard character. im too stubborn and bull headed eh?



eoys coming le. muz really study. but somehow dun have that feeling that i should sudy also... dunnoe lahs. school is really proproganda nowadaes... so much of the syllabus is.. propoganda. and it work with some students okae. no one realises that muhc. maybe a few. but i seriously doubt so. esp. humanities? but ms poh seems to understand? not sure la. criticse is the word? hmmS. never noe. wads with fake education? want us to go to the world and sae singapore rock? SS, GEOG, CHINESE< ENG, even DT, FN... all progranda...




2004-10-01T07:05:00.000-07:00
not really feeling well in de mind. and im really worried. that it will affect my results. hais. i dunnoe wad to do now actually. shld be studying...but im really worried and everything. hais. i dunnoe.




2004-09-26T05:34:00.000-07:00
i dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoei dunnoe...

wad to do.. really dunnoe. i dunnoe.

haiS.




2004-09-24T04:00:00.000-07:00
i dunnoe wad to do. really. im tired of being here and acting as if nothing's wrong. i can't. people else maybe can/ but me? im not that type of person to deny. hide. pretend. i dunnoe wad to do. seriously. haiS.



thursdae was a total disaster i think. couldn't shake that feeling that something is wrong back there. calmed myself down by persuading myself that its allin my heart? i dunnoe seriously. im juz pathethic. imagine having to PERSUADE urself to clam down. im jus not as steady as people think. i can handle problems like they are nothing. but somehow i break down at the simplest of things. haiS. i nvr noe really wad to do. tts wad eunice said, im juz someone that seems tough on the exterior but is in fact juz as fragile as a crystal on de inside. sat dwn at toilet outside. dunnoe la. see people passing by also dun care. dunnoe. juz kinda hmmS. wads it called? i dunnoe. as usual, my inner self saes not to be such a self-piteous idiot to sit there and cry and stand up. haha. so i did. went back to class like nothing happened liddat lorhS... haiyo. dunnoe la. don came back ler. actually i prefer that solitude of being alone maybe. or maybe i juz getting fustrated by don's atitude. cos i seemed to be able to get along quite oky with jlim or wad. dunnoe la. canphylia is lame sia. keep doing funny stuff. hmmS. dunnoe la. need alot of time off to think. but somehow, somethign tells me it won't work. i alwaes sae time and tot can helpresolve my inner conflict. but somehow it nvr works. den i juz keep thinking into the problem or smth.



fri was abit better ba... tried to keep my wits around me. crapped ard i think. oh ya. debate on thurs lost to 3b. was so happy! haha. but i know srinand felt sad? i dunnoe. maybe i shouldn't have delidrately make our team lose? got pple sae actually if my speech was at its usual standards we would not have lost...haha.. den jiawei dere keep saeing to ME that he felt confident and he should be on de debate team. haiS. wadever. lyk i care so much liddat. u wanna debate den go la. if any of us did de best we could on de debate table, u wun stand a chance jw... zul was off... nitika was half scared to death i think... even sirnand din give his best, think he knew that we would lose already... and he's de best speaker... after school fri went to talk to ms koh...waited so long. den jann had plans. so we left. or rather, he left and i went home. hurhur. in a wae im agitated at myself agn lorhS. why muz my temper alwaes act up. so small thing also can get angry. i dunnoe how to make it ...less erious? i dunnoe la. if i could i would have smiled at him and crapped ard or smth. but i couldn't. den matt also. aiyahs. really dunnoe la. in a wae i hate complaineRs.. wads dere to complain abt? last time when u had ur stuff to d u had to bug me, bug everyone. den deadline up for so long, nothing done. nothing given. anyone in my position would haf been fustrated. and i am. den now, took "ur" unfinished work to do and u can go complain. albeit silently. i dunnoe. am i in de wrong now? trying to guide u do things de most efficent wae out but u dun listen. pressure into a deadline, u sae im tyrannical. when all of us are under pressure also. if i could i would give u work to do to u noe. but in a wae i cant trust u as much as i would like. devotion i can understand. but not to the extent of your grades. i dun wanna see u retain matt. i wanna see u with us. but until now u dun understand my intention or jann's or anyone of us concerned around u . haiS. really need alot of help to do this rite. juz hoping i can do it, through God.




searching for an answer.,..
2004-09-16T23:41:00.000-07:00
kevin forming alumni wor... hope it goes all well huh... thats wad happens when people go out of band liao...dying to go back... and do smth again. will i be liddat also nxt time? probably. haha... juz hope it really wun interefere wif our normal band or wad. especially de politikal talking. it has alwaes been a part of life. unlike wad others think. its all about politics. since as far as i noe. where u go, there has alwaes been politics. the only reason why its so noticeable now its cos we are the ones directly involved in it. there is no other choice now. in de past since de early 90s of our band, it hs alwaes been conductors and teachers in de chargeso as band members, probably there isn't much to talk about. life was juz fun and learning at de time. de chers were the ones doing the politics and everything. while at our time, starting from lynn's batch i think... it became more obvious. alot more obvious than one might think. that is the basis of politics and good governing. good governing is when a normal person cannot feel that there is politics involved. and everything is rite with the world. that is the basis of it. when u can feel the tension and political activity, it juz shows that we are not really used to handling things and everything. that is where politics comes into play. de band chers argue and discuss over many issues themselves also(not this batch, talking about ms chua that time)... and records haf been made. in one way or another. there is evidence of that. and there will be. from one batch to another.



and the question for us, or rather for me. is how to mimise it.

~~~

think sooner or later im going to get kicked out of philyouth or smth. that dae mr yeow sae dunnoe wad nvr prac or wad den will get kicked out. or re-audit. i think thats me? huhur. cos in philyouth lyk dun haf people who plays so many wrong notes de. im de lazy one that doesn't even do anything....aiyahS. dunnoe la. one step @ a time. thats de prob being de youngest in a band. huhur. sorry, its youngest and w/o talent! =X

~~~

this week in school has been stressful. de paprrs coming back has been really urRRhgh. dunnoe la. juz not myself. not there in de classroom. not my mind. not my emotions. can 't emotionalise things or anything. deluging in myself even. im juz plain abnormal. can't i juz be who i am? and not wad others want me to be?

~~

de concert wif de band shaf been quite an eye opener for myself. i agree wif all de praises that our muscality is good and everything. at least compared wif those schools. but discipline and respect is something totally different from them to ourselves. really different. im Dm over there.... go call  "BAND!!" everyone ELSE who is NOT DMNBAND responds. but hey. where dunman band members? right beside me and ignores. takes 3x of calling den responds. its juz so difficult. i almost flared up again i guess. but sharon reminded me that it was really not a rite time, even if she herself was angry huh..but i dunnoe. was i really rite in my choice? in ms chong's choice. so far.... i nvr see any action from him. so far it has been a almost one man show for so long. sharon does try to help. but she's not around. wheres he? i dunnoe.

sidetracking abit... where does all these lead me to? somehow i got the lousier part of the deal. wads wif democracy and everything. its not i get anything more than any one of u guys. but i somehow do more than u guys. do i really belong here? and this is comparison wif de normal guys u noe. not even talking abt de leaders. is it really worth it?

thats an answer im searching for also... haiS.

~~~

to u: im also searching for an answer for u and me. isit reall so simplee and everytihng? wad happens when theres a quarrrel? wad happens in de future? are we really going to be together for eva? i dunnoee and dun haf an answer. wads de use of a temporary emotional feeling that will proabably fade awe. den argue den break off den regret everything over again. i dunnoe. i dunnoe anythign.

~~

you are truly an almighty God. saviour of all of us. i see your face. you let me be in no want and guide me through the darkness when i cannot see.

God give me the strength to overcome all obstacles in my life. give me the strength to be wad u want me to be. for u haf said that your yoke is one of less burden. one of which is freer than a freed man. i pray to you lord to give me the will to do your work throughout the nations. i am but a boy, but i know that through you, anything can be done. i cast al my cares upon you.

Amen.




2004-09-13T05:44:00.000-07:00
haiS.

really tired.

somehow de lack of God in my life runs evident now.

i dunnoe.

somehow i haven't been able to be honest wif myself.

somehow i haven't been able to keep my temper in check.

somehow... im juz not de same guy.

dunnoe.



have i been trying to do thing under my own power?

been complaining that  i do things all by myself and im seriously treated unfairly.

then again. am i really by myself even when there isn't anyone ard me?

read de bible on saturdae....den din go pihl youth.. only understood it yesterdae...after de concert performance somehow...juz tot..

went past this passage...not so sure...but its  "without me, you can do nothing" or something liddat..

hmmS. it got me thinking.... wether i was leading myself by my own power or wad. was i depending on external influence? hmmS. prayed in de nyte. until lyk 3+. had an answer.

"felt he wanted me to continue wad i should... but do it for the name of the lord. every achievement i have is a dedication to the lord. every failure is a dedication to the lord. devotion is something more than giving part of your life ot jChrist. its about all of it. hmmS. need alot of time to think properly. these few weeks not been myself. need to think. haiS.



my common test results really disappointing. haiS. so many failures liao. dT, chinese, physics... haiS. ... all borderline failures... lyk 48 47? haiS. really sadded. shouldn;t have failed. den eng also so pooor 34/50 nia... den math...arRgh. 15/40. hais. tot i could do well and finally get a foothold back or smth.. but somehow couldn't leh... abit hmmS. but nvm. will work alot harder for eoYs... will make sure i get all passes for all subs...haha.....and hmmS. at least 2 As...haha.. set goals...den weork hard. ths time sae work hard...but actually slack only..haha..wad go airport study...actually is sleep there nia...haha... if i do go again..muz really study.. got good enviroment la...but its also a gd enviroment to slack also..haha...



hmmS. band still got alot of things to do leh... need alot fo work from us all...  an for myself to noe that there is a God wif me alwaes...and de people ard me. hahaS. juz need to ASk. =X




im back!
2004-09-06T08:51:00.000-07:00
hahaha...so im back! muggin for common test a few daes ago..now relax abit den chiong for sec 3 finals yr liao....haha... sounds hardworkin eh? actually, that means half de time slacking and 1 hr extra of work nia...haha



newaes....not going to elaborate much on my daes la.... juz a few words..den i'll leave..since its kinda late also...



these few daes kinda tiring for me....been rushing to philyouth wif my bassbone....come home rush thru webbies finding things of value...like alternate fingerings for euph/tuba, trpt, horn.... and some intonation aids i plan to do wif de band..or pass to sharon to do....during de pratices....



philyouth: spf concert perfrmance...

cool! managed to get a few pieces nailed... people ard me kept chainging seats..but i was kinda like there de whole dae eh? haha...but was nie la... mr yeow was way cute! haha... de cant take mi eyes....woah..de flute guy was real pro...couldn't rmb his name,...but yea...it was cool....couldn't take mi eyes off...after tt went off wif jkong, jas and jas... ki siaoed de whole wae though... was tiring la... went everywhere eat eat walkwalk...aha.... tht was fun~



philyouth: concert practices..

hmmS. had alot of trouble playing esp after de dae after de spf... tounging and chops were all gone... had some trouble wif pitching and everything...worse was de tounging part of 3rd suite....really couldn't catch up... den ghost train also... brain no functioning properly..due to dde last nyte hanging ard....so like... urRgh... joseph, de euph gu ybeside me told kevin that i needed practice on de pieces....which is true la... but of course, i thik im slightly overstressed by myself also... dmn band...den philyouth...den church...den her...den schwork....den finals.... everything cannot be piriortized....all are so impt that it affects everyting... so haf to keep practicsing everything alsso... hmmS....see if i can work in time to practice de philyouth stuff anot...muz put in my bet in everything...=D



dmnband: prctices

haiS. i really am blur about all this. im jus a jealous person. pple go masterclasses i can be so damn sad about it. but de prob is... dey will not even benefit much from it. why not jus let me go? i htink i cn benefit more from it? haiS. den again...who am i to judge? i'd rather ms chong had not let me go because im juz poor at my playing...den at least i noe... but its not. damn, den dis whole dm thingy is dragging me down. why? why? why? i put in more effort than anyone else lor...in making this a success...i dun mind at all. BUT I MIND PEOPLE WHO DUN APPRECIATE DE BACKGROUND PEOPLE MAKING IT A SUCCESS SO MUCH THAT U CAN JUZ CELEBRATE LIDDAT...AND THEN LATER CRITCSE..WHEN U GET SCOLDED..ALL OUR FAULT IS IT. SICK AND TIRED DAMNIT. no one understands. really sadded. sae heart for de band. im trying lor, to really do it. but no one else is. dn sectionals... wad de hell. i go ard is my fault leh. gif advice and suggestions people juz shrug it off. nt there den juz play ard... jnrs dun teach andwadever. so i dun go is good is it? tell me how i can make u all practicse seriously? sharon is rite in one thing..no one is treating it seriously.... otehr this bunch ofpeople.... no one else is. no one understands that we are all in this deep shit because of our selves. no one sees that. they juz keep blaming ms ko...de teachers and wadever. and the list goes on. but when it comes to pointing their own mistakes... no one comes near. sae that muz prac more.... people start showing atitude. really sadded ok. wad kevin scold and everythign. im human as anyone else...even if my hearing is kinda slightly better than people... tired lor.. go ard learnign things to go help pple in de band and this is wad i get. pure shit. tired la. maybe i should juz forget it. 



~

love ya more than eva. all i need is to hear ur voice. hear u speaking..and de worlds all right. sleep in silent prayer, that u'll be all right. wonder if there was a place in heaven made for u and me...


2004-08-28T06:58:00.000-07:00
hahalS. hmmS.  i dunnoe. is this wad i want? forever? i dunnoe. not thinking much recently. need alot of time to see wads going on. and wadever ard me. v. blur nowaddaes...haha.



comm meeting todae was abit unconstructive. need alot of time to work on it. see how. toldms koh our plan le. but need alot of confirmation and everything to get it all done up properly. haha..z zossoso....so see how bas. ... hate de things going on anw.




2004-08-23T05:35:00.000-07:00
hmmS. so long nv update ler...haha... abit too busy wif alot of things ba...

my bdae todae wor... hmmS. still find it abit lame la... but nvm~ wondering wads wrong wif myself actually. somehow i keep seeing negative things to come. den bernard, as much as i hate to admit it. is gettnig to me. de hp thingy...hahaS. and de sweets. somehow de bgr thingy that he talked to me about hit me lorhS. i also dunnoe whhy. considering the fact that i AM single. haf an inferiority complex i guess. that saeing something liddat makes me feel weird. hahaS. but the fact is... haiS...i dunnoe wad to sae.



need to sk a question to myself. wad is love? somehow after de expereinces i haf, i dun find having a relationshiop or wadever to be wad its cut out to be. maybe cos i din even haf a proper one to start wif. but from wad i can rmb, it juz seems....i dunnoewad. haiS. one phrse she said reminds me alot of wad im facing now ba... that im not mature enuff to hndle relationships. which strikes me as true. or maybe applies to more than me of course. need alot of time to understnad pple before i cna learn how to go into teh relationship problems that many have to face.  see so many couples togetehr, but i noe deep down they haf many problems to solve as usual. which for some is alot lor... karen and junyang, jann and pris, darren and gela... so many la... i oso dunoe wad is de real meaning of love. hmmS. and its my search to go on too...

but how ami supposed to do that? im indecisive as usual lorhS. i want to go off and search dis world for true love. but i cannot help but rmb that i dun wanna loe u also. true, they sae true love lasts forever, but if i can , i dun wanna lose u now. wanna be wif u. but my heart is not there. and i noe myself. one dae i will rmb and den i cannot bring myself to hurt you again. haiS. i dunnoe. i dunnoe. someone help me.



band oso. i really dunnoe wad to do. it would help if u all can cooperate lorhS. band comm blurblur... pple dnu wanna listen. i oso not happy k. hai.